by CHRIS BARRY

Name: François Belhumeur, aka Ebola

Age: 26

Occupation: Filmmaker/Proprietor of Aphrodite adult video emporium

Bio: This motivated Verdun stud had been a career welfare recipient before meeting his current girlfriend, Amy, a hard-working retail clerk who encouraged the cretinous bum to finally get off his depressing, lazy ass and do something productive, like maybe get a job. Although François had been somewhat active developing film projects, he ultimately decided to temporarily put his film/welfare career on hold to secure a primo minimum-wage gig selling porn at Video Sex Plus in St-Laurent. Dreaming of the day when he might become a porn entrepreneur himself, François saved as many pennies as a minimum-wage job will allow and finally, in December, had amassed enough coin to launch Aphrodite, Verdun’s premier location for quality stroke material, located at fashionable 3629 Wellington street. Until the day Aphrodite becomes self-sufficient, however, François will continue working 12–18-hour days, seven days a week, biding his time between his own store and the minimum wage gig he retains in a competitor’s video outlet in order to keep food on the table.

One reason why he couldn’t secure a bank loan to launch Aphrodite: “Because they all just looked at me like I was some guy from Berri metro.”

Something François used to do for a living: Sell crappy, expensive pot at the Berri metro station. “You’ve got to be really desperate to buy there. But hey, it wasn’t me setting the prices. It’s not hard to get a job selling pot at Berri. But I’m one of maybe three per cent of guys who’ve worked there that is some sort of success. Most guys just keep sinking lower and lower.”

Where François lived his last two teenage years: In the Bordeaux prison complex for auto theft “and other things.”

Something François says all teenage inmates should know about prison—other than to keep a healthy supply of KY Jelly with them at all times in the effort to encourage smoother, less painful jailhouse rapes: Not to argue with the bigwigs in jail. “I got beat up pretty badly before I learned that. I was pretty arrogant at first. Jail was good for me though.”

Can one purchase sexy videos of people defecating into each other’s mouths at Aphrodite? “No, it’s illegal. You can have people shitting on the toilet, or outside, but not on each other. Same goes for people pissing on each other, or having sex with animals, and of course, anything with children. What’s really bizarre though is you can’t show penetration in a domination movie. Everything else goes, though.”

What a used DVD costs at Aphrodite: “They start at $7.50.”

One thing you can count on should you go buy one: That François will have cleaned it first. “I have to, because you get a lot of sticky ones, and, well, you don’t want that.”

Last book read: Lords of Chaos, by Michael Moynihan and Didrik Soderlind.

Musical preferences: Mayhem, Darkthrone.

Words of wisdom: “Believe in yourself, in your dreams. No matter how hard it might seem at times.”

Comments? dimwit@hdot.net