M Hi. My name is Mitchell. I’m an independent singer/songwriter from Montreal. I’ve been here, 20, 25, 30 years. I’ve seen the club scene, I’ve seen the radio scene, I’ve seen major labels. But when I wanted to get on the radio, I called the PROGRAM DIRECTOR at CHOM and pretty soon I was on the Electric Lunch Hour with Scott Tucker. My song is about to be added to Q92, because I’ve been speaking to the program director there, Ted Silver, for the last 15 months. If you want to do it, it can be done. And haven’t you heard of satellite radio? Podcasting? The Internet? Try harder and don’t be BITTER. Bitterness is not the answer. Use your phone. Call these people and make your dream come true. That’s all. Thank you. My name is Mitchell. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, all you WHINY radio listeners, the answer to your problems is found at Pandora.com. Enjoy your revolution. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, sorry, guys, I don’t mean to trouble anyone. I’m at the Bell Centre right now and I’m actually enjoying a Rolling Stones concert. But it’s 10:27 and they’ve closed all the BEER concessions! I’ve been all around the ring here and they’re all shut. They shut one right in front of me while I was waiting in line! Like, when did this become fucking Ottawa, man? Christ, it’s a Stones concert. [BLEEP!]

M This is going out to the soul music lover who was talking about all the great artists who’ve passed away in the last year or two. I couldn’t agree more. There is a tribute night to Luther Vandross on February 1 at the Lion d’Or. It’s a fundraiser for the Heart and Stroke Foundation, and Danny Blanco and the Montreal Soulstars are going to be covering Luther all night. It’s gonna be amazing! [BLEEP!]

F This is for the guy that wants to get rid of hip hop. I love dancing to hip hop, funk, whatever makes me move. But DEEP HOUSE is my favourite. And as any house lover knows, house music is about love, peace, tolerance and unity—something that you don’t have. You’re narrow-minded and racist. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Forget MySpace, I’m addicted to Wikipedia. [BLEEP!]

F Well, the TV says—or Lloyd says anyway—that everybody over the age of 35 is gonna vote Conservative. So how about all of us under the age of 35, let’s fucking vote NDP, let’s VOTE GREEN, let’s vote something. Bloc. How about that? But not Conservative. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Is the mass media trying to hand the election to Stephen Harper like it seems or am I just hallucinating? Tell me, tell me. When we know he’s going to sell out our country to big business just like the neo-cons in the south—because that’s their boy, their BEND-OVER BOY in Canada. Stephen Harper for the neo-cons. Bend over, Steve. [BLEEP!]

M [w/British accent] I’d really appreciate it if you print this. The 2006 World Cup is approaching and within Montreal you have a huge contingency of England supporters, and I’d like to address one very important issue. There’s a LAD who likes to come to sports bars in Montreal, who is of Croatian descent, and when England are playing he likes to show up in a shirt that says IRA UNBEATEN ARMY. And I would just like to mention that if this lad does show up at any of the future England matches wearing that shirt, then all hell will have to be paid. I’m just giving him the heads up. Don’t fucking wear that shirt! We’re not the type of lads that are gonna let someone come into an England match and wear that sort of shit—there’ll be bricks going through your fucking house! Your house will be on fire! Don’t fuck with me! [BLEEP!]

F Has anybody else noticed that there’s this trend in the U.S. for people to wear fake gold-plated TEETH? This is just absolutely fucking disgusting. That’s about it. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what’s up? Original deep throat, documentary, shooter girl ranter here. Obviously I didn’t make myself clear—actually I did but there’s some pretty dumb people out there. I’m the furthest thing from a CHAUVINIST PIG—I hate chauvinist pigs just like I hate cockteases. She was all over me. I made no moves. She started sexual innuendoes, I finished them—all to her giggling approval. If the two female ranters who dissed me last week would’ve been there, they probably would’ve ranted about SLUTTY CHICKS. As for possibly turning her off afterwards, I’m neat, I’m clean, I’m funny, I’m tall, I’m handsome and intelligent, I’m articulate, my apartment is neat and clean. Oh, but wait, I barely make 12 thousand bucks a year and I’m a gentleman. If I were a chauvinist with a car and a leather jacket, I’d be beating away the chicks with a stick, right? The only reason I fucking ranted is because this is not uncommon. Seriously, girls, you need to re-evaluate and analyze your message because your behaviour breeds misogyny. That’s the truth. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum