Dear Sasha: I have begun dating this guy who seems amazing: totally devoted, sexy, smart and seems to have cleared up a lot of his baggage in therapy—something I’m considering for myself now too. I am a magnet for bad men, and have had one shitty relationship after another, so it goes without saying that I’m suspicious. One thing he always says to me is, “How could I be such a bad guy if I have so many lesbian friends?” It’s true, he does have a lot of lesbian friends, some of whom have semi-jokingly and fondly referred to him in my presence as their “token straight man” and “sperm donor,” something I actually find slightly offensive. I wonder, is this a relevant measure of a man’s goodness, a lot of lesbian friends? —Lover of the Lesbian Man

Dear Lover,
I must confess that despite my general disregard for children, I too look at men through sperm donor goggles. There’s a list on my fridge just for fun. I enjoy threatening my possible patrons with their removal when they act up.

If I was in your position, I would flag one bit of personal experience I have, and that is a lot of lesbians don’t actively socialize or cultivate relationships with straight or openly bisexual women. Their experience with straight women is somewhat confined to family, unrequited or disastrous crushes (from both ends) and hearsay. What this also means is that when it comes to their straight male friends—those you are being led to believe they so judiciously let into The Fold—they generally have but one side of the relationship story: his.

Just because self-identified lesbians don’t sleep with men doesn’t make them oracular judges of male behaviour. It’s the same as going to a Catholic priest—someone who has chosen a life of chastity and more than likely a sexist version of the bible—for advice on your marriage. I think that action, rather than orientation or conviction, is the best judge of character.

Believe me, if dykes were straight, they’d be out there dating terrible men too because most every dyke has had her share of frightful girlfriends. And if you can really judge a person by the company they keep, then ask yourself the questions from the other side too. Why does he have so many lesbian friends? Is he so fond of a captive audience?

More porn biz tips

During the holidays, it’s a little difficult getting in touch with my sources because a lot of them are out of the office. As such, I have a little more information for King of Porn last week [“Porn career counselling,” Jan. 5], who was looking to make his own dirty movies.

This encouraging advice comes from Sebastien Pham, who works for Vivid Video in Canada. Sebastien was happy to hear that your own personal experience provided some motivation to get into the creative side of porn. “The good news is,” he says, “porn is an industry that can allow for great productions at a fraction of the price of mainstream film. If you have the right idea, all you really need is a good camera from any electronics shop and some sexy talent.”

Sebastien suggests beginning “by filming with your girlfriends to get an idea of what works on camera. The right shots make good porn. Beware not to fall into the repetitive type of porn, where the girls clearly look like they are working for their money. Get some passion in the action, watch your work and see how you react. Work on your genre as you go. Once you have something you like, you will need to find a distributor—the business side of porn. A distributor will pay anywhere from $2,000–$10,000 for distribution rights. That means you make it, but they own it—but if you make enough of these that have a special niche, then you will be making some good coin relatively soon. It’s a contacts game with a thirst for fresh concepts. Play around and see what works.”

Got any questions for Sasha? Email: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM