by JOHNSON CUMMINS

“I never think of the future—it comes too soon” -Albert Einstein

I’ll admit that not all New Year’s predictions hold a lot of water. Remember the Y2K computer scare that was supposed to hurl all of our lives into a state of anarchy and turmoil? Visions on the news of people stockpiling weapons, canned goods, Juggs magazines and bottled water, and building bunkers in their backyards? I remember leaping out of bed with a hangover that would kill lesser men in the late afternoon of that first day of 2000 and switching on my computer to ready myself for doomsday, only to be greeted by spam in my inbox that said I could enlarge my penis by two inches.

Here’s another apocalyptic prediction that shook the magic eightball, only to wind up with a “reply hazy” reading. In 1999, Moral Majority founder, 700 Club member and ex-segregationist Jerry Falwell said that Jesus would return before 2009, but first the Antichrist would appear as his sweat act, trying to fool people into thinking he was the second coming before Jesus would come down from heaven on high, open up a can of holy whup-ass and begin the Rapture. Now don’t judge too harshly here. If you close your eyes and imagine Ryan Seacrest as Satan in sheep’s clothing, it suddenly becomes a pretty believable theory.

Unfortunately, Falwell lost me when he later mentioned that the Antichrist would “of course be Jewish.” After taking much heat from, well, basically all of humanity, he apologized for his prophecy. But let’s think about that for a minute. God told him this prophecy—and then he apologized? Did he really have the brass balls to apologize for God? Perhaps God was driving his SUV to Wal-Mart to buy some ammunition when he called Falwell up on his God phone and said, “I might’ve slipped on that Jewish thing.”

In the more immediate future, a poster on astroworld.us who signs off simply as M actually said that U.S. citizens will become upset about increased oil prices and inadequate healthcare in 2006. Man, oh man, who is this anti-American crackpot? Why would people complain about living in the greatest fucking goddamn country in the fucking goddamn world—buddy! Oh yeah, here’s the kicker: M goes on to mention that people won’t get their back up until September of this year.

According to yogavisionaries.com resident psychic Lou Valentino has looked into his murky crystal ball and said, “between January and September of 2006 will mark a stressful time for the Republican party.” I wonder how swami Valentino hatched this crazy idea? Was it Bush’s plummeting approval rating? His continued lack of support for the rebuilding of New Orleans while he pumps billions of dollars into a war that he shouldn’t be fighting? Did he turn on a TV? Did a paperboy mistakenly plunk a USA Today on his doorstep? Nope, according to Valentino, the Republican’s woes will be due to “the grand cross in the stars that will intensify until September.” Keep looking to the stars, Lou, and until Ryan Seacrest finally reveals himself as Satan, I’ll still be waiting for my by now long overdue jet pack. n

SLEEP TIGHT… jonathan.cummins@gmail.com

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