by SCOTT SAXON

1. The FBI launched an investigation to find out whether or not a certain group had padded their number of active units so they could enjoy greater funding. Of whom were the investigated a division?

A) Blackwater USA

B) CACI International

C) The Republican National Committee

D) The United States Marine Corps

E) The Boy Scouts of America

Answer: E. It seems the Greater Alabama Council of the Boy Scouts of America’s pledge to “do my best” includes its best at cheating its supporters. Boy Scout volunteers accused the chapter of padding the numbers in order to acquire higher donations from the charities they rely on—donations that help pay the $220,000+ (U.S.) annual salary of Alabama Council’s top-dog Ronnie Holmes.

2. Accepting that we are living in troubled times, the Vatican’s university, the Athenaeum Pontificium Regina Apostolorum (Queen of the Apostles papal university), added a course to their curriculum covering this timely and crucial topic. What was it?

A) Covert molestation

B) Curing homosexuality

C) Exorcisms

D) Accepting homosexuality

E) None of the above

Answer: C. Despite weightier issues—like child molestation—the university did not lose sight of what’s important: honing the skills of tomorrow’s ordained John Constantines. Along with proper holy water sprinkling, young exorcists also got a crash course in Satanism, hopefully making it easier to cast out the demons responsible for the urge to fellate a six-year-old.

3. Interviewed on NBC’s Meet the Press about a hastily-called congressional hearing, Virginia Republican Congressman Tom Davis talked tough on the subject of subpoenaing witnesses. “These people are not above the law,” Davis said. “They may fly on private planes and make millions of dollars... but a subpoena is exactly what it says it is. They have to appear.” What scandal were the hearings on?

A) Halliburton’s theft of billions of taxpayer dollars for both never-rendered and over-billed services

B) Revelations that the pharmaceutical industry had hidden a study showing a possible link of thimerosal, found in childhood vaccines, to autism

C) Steroid use in Major League Baseball

D) The Bush administration’s illegal wiretapping of UN offices

E) The leak of U.S. military secrets by members of the American Israel Public Affairs Committee

Answer: C. Leaving the serious issues for someone else to deal with, the U.S. Congress decided to get tough on the silent acceptance of steroid use by MLB players. While the Boys of Summer were grilled in Washington, Halliburton, for its crimes, received bonuses and additional contracts, while big pharma got Bill Frist working to immunize vaccine manufacturers from liability suits and all vaccine-related documents from subpoenas.

4. It was discovered that the Israel Defense Force had made it policy to refuse anything but low-level security clearance to new recruits who had a history of what?

A) Killing women and children

B) Playing Dungeons & Dragons

C) Man-lovin’

D) Expressing moral indignation

E) Protesting the occupation of Palestine

Answer: B. Already reeling from the effects of the 15th level Illusionist’s spell, Endless Cycle of Sanctimonious Retribution, the IDF said recruits who’d played the popular role-playing game were “detached from reality,” and “have a tendency to be influenced by external factors which could cloud their judgment.” Recruits who admitted fancying the 10-sided die found themselves earmarked for psychological evaluation and given low security clearance to keep them away from sensitive military positions.

5. Documents released in the spring included the revealing quote, “I don’t care about international law... We are not concerned with international law.” To whom is the quote attributed?

A) Zacarias Moussaoui, a convicted 9/11 co-conspirator

B) A U.S. military tribunal president, to a Guantanamo prisoner

C) The U.S. Coalition for Fair Lumber Imports, arguing for sanctions against Canadian lumber

D) Saddam Hussein, on whether the U.S. has any right to put him on trial

E) George W. Bush, in trying to justify his entire presidency

Answer: B. Much to the Pentagon’s dismay, court documents reached the public eye that exposed as fact the contempt for international law the current administration is oft accused of. The tribunal president’s declaration was made to a Guantanamo prisoner ejected from hearings during which he said international law afforded him “a right to speak.”

6. Describing it as “one of the top priorities” of new U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, the FBI assembled a squad of 10 agents, as mandated by Congress, to deal with what overwhelming threat to the safety of Americans?

A) Porn

B) Cyber-attacks

C) Corporate corruption

D) Foreign espionage

E) Terrorist attacks

Answer: A. Anthrax and dirty nukes aside, the U.S. government decided it had had quite enough of consenting adults watching other consenting adults gettin’ busy. Ten agents were designated to spend their workdays watching porn with instructions to look out for something the government might successfully prosecute. Said one anonymous spook, “I guess this means we’ve won the war on terror.”

7. As the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina’s devastation became known, some of the devout around the world offered, instead of prayers, an insistence that the whole thing was God’s wrath brought down because of whom?

A) Homosexuals

B) Drunkards

C) Americans

D) Abortionists

E) All of the above

Answer: E. While some Christian extremists blamed homosexuals for the disaster, others pointed at the city’s reputation as the place to get loaded. Still others said it was the number of abortion clinics that ticked off the Lord, and some evicted Gazan settlers insisted Yahweh was pissed because of the U.S.’s influence in their removal from stolen land. As though the Lord hadn’t heard enough bullshit by then, George W. Bush quickly declared September 16, 2005, a national day of prayer.

8. Wanted for charges that include corruption, kidnapping, murder and crimes against humanity resultant of a “family planning program” that included forced sterilisations, former president of Peru Alberto Fujiimori was arrested in Chile en route back to Peru after a five-year self-imposed exile in Japan. Why was Fujiimori heading home?

A) To see his dying mother

B) To stand trial and prove his innocence

C) To retrieve the contents of a safety deposit box

D) To run for office

E) He refuses to say

Answer: D. Whether or not he was inspired by Bush’s winning a second term, something in Fujiimori’s head set him about the goal of winning back his presidency in Peru’s upcoming elections. Since Fujiimori’s arrest, Peru has been trying to get Chile to ship him back to stand trial on the numerous charges against him.

9. An Israel Defense Force commander known to the media as “Captain R” was cleared of all charges against him resulting from what crime?

A) Killing an Italian photo-journalist

B) Opening fire into a crowd of Palestinian demonstrators

C) Demanding access to a Palestinian family’s home so he could watch a soccer game

D) Emptying his gun into the body of a 13-year-old Palestinian girl

E) Forcing a Palestinian violinist to play for troops at a checkpoint

Answer: D. Finding that Captain R was within the rules of protocol when he emptied his assault rifle into 13-year-old Iman al-Hams, an Israeli military court cleared R of such weighty charges as illegal use of a weapon and behaviour unbecoming an officer. Calling the girl, who’d been armed with a bag of schoolbooks, “a terrorist,” a Druze Likud member said Captain R, also Druze, should be given a medal and couldn’t be held accountable because he was, after all, just following orders.

10. While most of North America was enjoying the holiday season, George W. Bush signed into law a new anti-torture bill, into which was rushed a last-minute amendment. What did the amendment state?

A) That the law did not extend to Muslims

B) That torture could still be used in some circumstances

C) That Guantanamo prisoners would lose their right of habeas corpus

D) That U.S. military personnel could not be tried to actions preceding the bill’s signing

E) All of the above

Answer: C. After much opposition, Bush finally conceded to making it illegal for the U.S. to continue torturing its prisoners. However, the Republicans also took the opportunity to relieve itself of another thorn in its side. Slipping in a clause stating Guantanamo prisoners had no right to habeas corpus, that being the right to challenge one’s imprisonment. The administration then promptly notified federal judges that they’d be seeking the dismissal of all 180-odd habeas corpus cases filed by Guantanamo inmates.