F I’ve got a comment and opinion on our music scene here in Montreal. I think Montreal has absolutely lost all its class and we don’t know what’s great anymore. People like Musiq Soul Child, things that our parents might have loved—these are things that are CLASSY. Screw hip hop, screw rock, screw all these melancholy, depressing songs that none of us can bear listening to anyway. Why don’t we just admit it anyway and go with the flow and listen to more salsa music and house music? Music from the ages. Music that really meant something once upon a time. Now, we’re having to give in to all this disgusting hip hop that just blares through our clubs and nobody says a damn word. Everybody’s going to the dogs! This city’s going to take us all under if we don’t get rid of hip hop! [BLEEP!]

M If Lorraine Carpenter honestly thinks that Billy Childish was the worst show of the year, then she’s a moron who needs to go back to SCHOOL this instant. And am I the only one in this city that hates and can’t stand Beaver? I’m sick of this douchebag polluting the Montreal music scene with his wank art school bullshit. This guy really needs to grow some hair on his sack. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, regarding Montreal radio. I’ve SUFFERED through it for 20 years. They’ve eaten up my youth, my good old rock youth. It’s all these little ROCK CZARS who’ve run Montreal radio for the last 25 years, people like Rob Braide, creeps like that from the West Island. All those types at CHOM who give a new meaning to the word… what would I call it? I guess some form of PAYOLA. Those types playing the same old crackpot trashy classic rock over and over, always back to square one with the same formula. And then on talk radio, you have emperor weasels like Tommy Schnurmacher—how bad can you get with talk radio? And we mustn’t forget that the CRTC has never contributed anything to the expansion of radio—actually, they’ve kept it quite cozy and a little insider’s clique, and that’s the way it’ll be for the foreseeable future. So if anyone else ever wants to storm any of the stations, leave a rant and we’ll get a group and, you know, STORM the Bastille. [BLEEP!]

M In the midst of all this bah-humbuggery about Montreal radio, it behooves me to just mention that Concordia radio, CJLO, is headed for the air this summer on 1690 AM. We’re currently broadcasting, as we have been for years, on our Web site—www.CJLO.com—so you can hear what we’re about before we hit the airwaves. And, Montreal, we’re gonna come save your radio waves big time! We’ll be playing not just funk, but also alternative, soul, punk, postpunk, anything with loud guitars, hip hop till the dawn—we can’t wait to become Montreal’s favourite station. And despite the fact we’ll be on AM, the FM bands will be a ghost town once we get on the air. See you in the spring, Montreal. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M To that girl who called in about that bad radio playing at four in the morning. If you want a good show at four in the morning, on Thursdays tune in to CKUT. Dan and Detroit put on a ripping show. Very entertaining. That’s it. [BLEEP!]

M I went to see DJ Champion in a very spontaneous way and I had a really good MUSHROOM TRIP. I danced like a maniac and, out of nowhere, I had a chance to make contact with a very beautiful girl. I only know her name: Melody. We were having so much fun until the end of the show, when we realized that we were not speaking the same language. So I just wanted to celebrate that moment and thank her for that. [BLEEP!]

M The multicultural experiment is finished. Leave now. Plane leaving. Go back to where you came from. Shoot each other in your own fucking country. Good bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hey couples, if you simply must hold hands and GIGGLE while slowly ambling down the street, try to leave some space so people can pass. I know that it seems like you’re the only two in the world, but you’re actually not and I don’t have to get stuck behind a pair of dopey lovesick assholes every two seconds. That said, I am happy for you, and enjoy your time together. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is Dave and this rant is for Ray, who was looking for COUGARS. All the cougars are at Bourbon Street West on the West Island every night. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, there are plenty, plenty of cougars at Brasserie 12 in Lachine. It’s kind of hard to get to, and mainly they speak French, so it helps if you’re bilingual, but Brasserie 12 has good food, cheesy rock bands and plenty of cougars. And the cougars even have cars, so they’ll drive you to their place—you don’t have to take a taxi and you can get nailed real good. Real good (growls like a cougar). [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum