Dear Any,
Wow, my absolute favourite question, it must be Christmas! How can I get some easy, breezy vagina gratis while the little woman is out of town? I especially love that you ask me this as though, by virtue of this being a sexuality column, you are entitled to a courteous and reflective answer. Better still, you seem to imagine the only thing standing between you and some free pussy is your wife and some inexperience. If only she’d just scram and you had the proper tools—some jazzy lines and good intuition—casual sex with multiple women would be all yours.
Cheating on one’s spouse while they’re out of town is not “the ultimate opportunity.” Many people, married or otherwise, might actually see it as an unmitigated abuse of this commitment or at least something to give due consideration, but look at you, you’re putting on your Wayfarers and pulling out Bob Seger’s Stranger in Town with such an upbeat attitude it’s indecent. It blows my mind that queers had to beg and scrape and picket and sign one fucking petition after another to acquire this sullied privilege, but thoughtless, hypocritical pricks like yourself can just up and do it without an ounce of contention.
So then… on to the actual advice part (though yes, it will be scorching as well). Not surprisingly, there is a Web site for people just like you. Ashley Madison’s (www.ashleymadison.com) slogan is “when monogamy becomes monotony,” and candidly caters to those seeking extramarital affairs so the only person you’ll actually be lying to is your wife. My guess is it might take time to scare something up though, since a lot of these ladies are the bubble bath and satin and roses and hot air balloon ride types—big dreamers with dashed hopes and shit husbands, I guess.
The site creates an atmosphere of infidelity being totally routine (and yet fun and exciting!), with pop-up quotes about people who seek out affairs being better looking than average, that sort of thing, but to me, it’s more an unconscious critique of the very institution it opportunistically feeds off. Going through people’s profiles, they talk about being unsatisfied, or not getting what they deserve, but isn’t posting romantic ambitions on a Web site rooted in deception just pandering to the same issues of denial and unreasonable expectation? The enthusiastic pragmatism of the site seems such an absurd way of acknowledging the inadequacy of many peoples’ marriages, like those advertisements that try to rally enthusiasm around a product you didn’t know you needed before.
And just a note to the proprietors of Ashley Madison: Posting articles about ethical polyamoury on a philanderer’s site is like putting pictures of hands on a foot fetishist site. Just because it’s attached to someone, doesn’t make it the same thing.
Private shout-out to Freedom 55, but good for all you elder babes getting it on: I recently had an exchange with Lyba Spring, my pal at Toronto Public Health, that relates to safer sex for the seasoned: “Older women are at particular risk of STIs including HIV, because of vaginal dryness and vaginal inelasticity,” she said. “Microabrasions can give viruses and bacteria a way in. Untreated STIs open the door to HIV. Please remind them to use condoms.” Check out the Condomania Web site at www.condomania.com to acquaint yourself with all the new prophylactechnology.
