F Hi. It’s 4:54 in the morning and I work the graveyard shift and music keeps me company. For the last hour, I’ve been turning the dial trying to find a decent radio show to listen to and it’s really embarrassing. I can’t seem to find one decent show—I’ve heard better stations in smaller cities. God forbid anyone in Montreal plays alternative, funk or soul on any of their stations. The rock stations suck! The pop stations suck! The jazz station sucks! I would really like to know where they get these DJs or music directors. Can somebody please explain this to me? Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I haven’t called the Rant Line™ in a long time but I feel a MORAL OBLIGATION to call in and agree with this guy who’s complaining about Couleur Jazz 91.9. A lot of us jazz musicians and jazz lovers were very excited when it came out, but in the end it’s like they do more harm to the name of jazz in this city than good. Somebody really needs to fix their programming. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m calling in response to the guy who thinks the radio station 91.9 sucks. Well, it doesn’t. It’s got great music, very diverse, varied, languages, French, English, Spanish. Jazz just isn’t one thing. It’s many things. And as for the gospel hour on Sunday, I love it. Gospel music rocks. You don’t have to be religious to like it. It’s time to grow up and grasp all types of music. [BLEEP!]

M For the person complaining about the all-jazz station 91.9, you should get Bell ExpressVu. I don’t listen to radio anymore at all—Bell ExpressVu has about 50 or 60 channels that are only music. They have a classic jazz station, a modern jazz station, a blues station, a modern hits station, a retro station, they have classical—you name it. And there’s no TALKING. Forget Montreal radio. It stinks. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I was at a show a while ago and there was this girl Bia, she was singing jazz. I just wanna say that people should sing stuff that is their own age. She should sing like Avril Lavigne, something that’s more appropriate for her. Kids that sing jazz or classical music, it’s just retarded. It’s made for old people! Wait until you’re old and then you’ll have a career in it. Until then, you don’t know what you’re doing. [BLEEP!]

M Scott C, love your fucking articles but stop promoting yourself, the places you play and all your fucking friends, dude. Give other people a chance who are a bit smaller. You don’t seem to see much further than St-Laurent, dude. Give the little man a chance! Ciao, love Montreal. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, to the person who said an EMO is a large bird, that’s EMU. Like Shamu. Yeah, emu. Once and for all, emos are sissy, long-haired, tight-pant-wearing yahoos who drink Maalox and cry in the corner because they think they’re depressed. All right? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is Tom calling from Chez Claudette. I’m calling to preemptively rant about the anti-smoking law that’s about to pass in the new year. I’m not even a smoker but I think it’s awesome that Quebec has held out so long and everybody’s just smoking away inside. When is this new law supposed to happen? Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M It’s three a.m. on Friday night and I was just at a party on de Bullion and Duluth. We walked all the way down the Main, I’m on René-Lévesque and St-Laurent right now and we haven’t seen a single cab all night. What up? There’s people on every street corner! Where the hell are the cabs on Friday night? [BLEEP!]

M Hi. My name is Ray and my question is for the Rant Line™. Where are all the COUGARS in Montreal? I used to think they hung out at Thursday’s, but no more. Can anyone tell me where I can find them? [BLEEP!]

M I would just like to say that I would like to nominate Belinda Stronach as the sexiest politician on the planet. [BLEEP!]

M Watching the Seed of Chucky, featuring the queen of male horndog sexual fantasies, Jennifer Tilly. Ooh, damn. She’s unbelievable. She’s hot, hot, hot. Jennifer Tilly, you rule. [BLEEP!]

M Rant Line™ readers, how ya doing? Girls, seriously, if you don’t wanna fuck the guy, don’t ask him for his phone number, tell him you’re gonna give him a call in a couple of hours, come back to his place and smoke a joint, have a couple more beers and watch that DOCUMENTARY he was talking about earlier. If you don’t want to fuck him, don’t do that shit, okay? It’s plain and simple. When a girl, especially a SHOOTER GIRL, asks a guy, a good-looking guy, for his number and says “Yeah, I’ll give you a call in a couple of hours,” and then she does and she actually comes over to your place, don’t do that shit unless you plan on deep-throating his fucking cock! What the fuck, man? Is this 2006 or not? Wake up!! I shouldn’t have to be telling you this shit, chicks. Wake the fuck up! Goddamn. [BLEEP!]

Next edition: January 5