Dear Sasha: My boyfriend and I are both really interested in having anal sex. We tried it recently and it was way too painful for me to make it last. We barely lasted a second before the extreme pain kicked in, and the discomfort continued for me even the next day despite only having sex for a few seconds. We used tons of lube, and I felt like I was ready for it, but it actually hurt so much I found myself gagging. It was my first time trying it so I’m not sure if that is the “normal” response for first time anal sex or not. Are there ways to ease into anal sex and decrease the pain? My boyfriend also has a pretty wide penis so could he simply be too big for me to handle since I’m a beginner? I really, really want this to work. —Rear Entry Problems

Dear Rear,
The sphincters (yes there are two) are really active and alert muscles, which is a good thing because you’d shit your pants way more often if they weren’t. They’re the border patrol of your body, and many people carry a ton of stress in this small but vital area. Dr. Jack Morin in Anal Pleasure and Health says (in his wonderful and earnest way), “The anus is an extremely popular tension zone.” So how do you help this system lower its defences and let it know you want to please it, not piss it off? Begin by using fingers and toys, and particularly those toys that have smooth, round gradations. The tongue is also an excellent relaxing implement, and fortunately there are great resources to coach you through too. I would include Tristan Taormino’s Web site www.puckerup.com, and the classic tome mentioned above, Anal Pleasure and Health by Dr. Jack Morin.

Dear Sasha: You recently advised a woman who had been repeatedly molested as a girl to read The Survivor’s Guide to Sex by Staci Haines. What would you recommend for a male survivor? I have cerebral palsy, and from ages three–11, various people—my female cousins first and longest, themselves victims of a stepfather who molested them, and by ages six–eight, a babysitter with particularly sadistic tastes—molested and raped me.

I’m ashamed to admit I suffer flashbacks and impotence. It’s clearly mental but I haven’t been able to have sex with my partner for over 10 years now. I’m in therapy but I need more and thought you might know some good books to refer me to. —Hurting and Hopeless

Dear Hurting,
Cory Silverberg co-wrote the book The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability and says the fact that The Survivor’s Guide was written for women, “doesn’t really get in the way of making it relevant, particularly the exercises at the end of each chapter.”

Two books that are considered good sources are Broken Boys/Mending Men: Recovery From Childhood Sexual Abuse by Stephen D. Grubman-Black and Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering From Sexual Child Abuse by Mike Lew. I really like the guide that Cory co-authored with Dr. Miriam Kaufman and Fran Odette too. It has a chapter on sexual violence and abuse, which includes very personal anecdotes, as well as one with extensive resources.

There are many stressful and challenging things about addressing sexual abuse, and as a disabled person, they can be even more abstruse. Abusers exploit the pernicious cultural perception that you are not sexually viable and that as a result you won’t, and often can’t, report the abuse. Depending on the amount of treatment your disability has required, you’ve also probably mastered what the book calls “institutional compliance”— knowing that causing a fuss will impede you from getting what you need and brand you difficult. Well honey, it’s time to cause a fuss because your sexuality belongs to you and it is a birthright well worth reclaiming. As the late disability activist Barbara Waxman Fiduccia is quoted in the book, “We must see that our differences in appearance and function which are the sources of our degradation also contain the seeds of our sexual liberation.” Inspiring words for all of us.

Got any questions for Sasha? Email: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM