M Man, I haven’t ranted in five years but I’m gonna be the 276, 573rd person to say that this new all-jazz station 91.9 SUCKS. You know what I’m listening to right now? Friggin’ “Baker Street.” A cheap pick-up song you’d hear on Crescent Street in 1978! And before that, were they playing jazz? No! They had Catherine Zeta-Jones singing from Chicago, and that ain’t jazz either. And neither was the half-assed, I don’t know if he was even black, lousy blues singer before them. And God knows, if I get to hear that gospel crap one more time on Sunday, I’m personally going down and peeing several times after having eaten ASPARAGUS on the front steps of that stinking radio station. Because I want jazz, some kind of jazz, and that’s not jazz. [BLEEP!]

M It has to be said. Aack on CKUT has gotten too MELLOW. I’ve been listening for over a decade and I’ve always loved Aack, but the last two months, it’s just too slow. Lorrie’s gotta pick up the pace. And it’s been about a year since I’ve heard the show end with a No Means No song. That was always very enjoyable and I’d like to see it. Keep it up, Lorrie, I’m still enjoying the show, but pick up the pace, please? [BLEEP!]

M It’s about time that someone pointed out that English Montreal radio sucks. Not only should we send Q92 and Mix96 and CJAD 800 to the Taliban to TORTURE them, we should send the radio jockeys with them. Let’s send that fat fucking Terry DiMonte, because no one can stand his voice, no one can stand what he has to say. The only good thing that Montreal radio has going for it right now is Lisa Player. She’s hot, she’s funny, she’s sarcastic, but she doesn’t get enough airtime. They drown her out with Cat Spencer. Montreal radio sucks. [BLEEP!]

M I just want to let everybody know that there’s a GREAT radio station where you can listen to music from the ’50s and ’60s. It’s 1520 on the AM dial. It broadcasts out of BUFFALO and the reception is poor but you can get it at night. [BLEEP!]

M What’s up? This is DJ Static, I play at Club Vinyl every Saturday. First, I wanna send my sympathies to the family of the shooting victim who passed away last week. It’s unfortunate the shooting took place outside of Vinyl. At the same time, I think people should know the incident is in NO WAY reflective of the vibe or the crowd at Vinyl. I’ve seen nothing but people having a good time. Never any threat of violence. For real. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I’m watching E Talk Daily. I really hate E Talk Daily. BEN MULRONEY is talking about Canada’s FLOW. That guy is the whitest man ever and he should not be talking about hip hop. [BLEEP!]

M Oprah Winfrey makes me want to shit out of my fucking mouth. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, hello, I’d like to clear up once and for all what an EMO is. An emo is a large hairy bird native to South America. And what a large hairy bird could do to elicit such hatred from people on the 365, I have no idea. It resembles an ostrich and it’s actually a very docile creature. There’s no reason to fear an emo and we should embrace the endangered species of our habitat. So let’s love the emos. Love makes the world go around, not hate. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the girlfriend of DAVE the copy centre guy. I don’t see why she has to be so jealous and possessive and insecure. Maybe she should be proud that other people find him handsome. But how SMART is he? Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M You just fucked up, bitch. You, the girlfriend of the dude from the fucking copy shop at Concordia. Because I’m gonna go after your boyfriend now and I’m a BOY. [BLEEP!]

F In the last seven years of me living in Montreal, I’ve never called the Rant Line™ but I fucking can’t take it anymore. For all these little twats that are calling about Dave at Copies Concordia, he’s a close personal friend of mine. His woman is in France, so whoever the fucking bitch is who said, “He’s changing my toner,” she’s lying! [BLEEP!]

M This is for the guy who has a problem with guys eating bananas in public straight out of the peel. Well, guy, if that bugs you, wait until you see me slide my lips up and down a POPSICLE. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. Two Thursdays ago, I purchased a portable Donkey Kong by Coleco at a church bazaar on Beaubien. The gentleman who sold it to me was also selling a portable Ms. Pac-Man by Coleco, but I didn’t purchase that. On the Saturday that followed I noticed that, somehow, my Donkey Kong had the battery compartment lid of the Ms. Pac-Man and, no doubt, whoever purchased the Ms. Pac-Man has the Donkey Kong lid. So this goes out to the other collector: Please call the Rant Line™ and leave a message so we can meet and exchange these lids, okay? Thank you, Rant Line™. Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum