by ALICE AND YANKA

Truly expecting to spend yet another Saturday night on the job eating yet another smoked-meat enchilada in an empty dinning room, we pack nothing and head out to the Far Est to investigate l’intestin grêle de la rue Ste-Catherine. Il fait greasy, everything looks stale. Except El Passo, the only bling around.

Upon stepping in, thousands of tiny brain connections go into overdrive. C’est l’overdose de sensations sensorielles. It’s impossible to think straight as eyes and ears compete to understand what the fuck is going on. Sanity is instantly nicked by the turquoise ’n’ gold colour scheme. The carpet’s extreme foliage pattern does not even come close to matching the banquettes’ upholstery. The walls are textured; the place is full of huge red plastic candles and blinking Crissmas lights. In the very near distance, someone sings, people cheer and utensils unremittingly hit glasses.

In the midst of it all, a frantic but cheerful crew of waitresses, sweaty elderly men and one kid work the floor, sweating blood.

As unbelievable as it may seem, it is mandatory to have a reservation on the weekend if you wish to sit in the Reception Room. There, you’ll join up to 99 other decked-out people celebrating, eating frog legs Provençale, dancing, drinking bloody Caesars (two for $10.95 with huge, real celery sticks!) and seemingly having a truckload of fun.

High-strung and fighting dementia, we crawl to the first seat available, send the kid for smokes and call out for a Zombie ($6.85), a Piña Colada ($6.90) and a Margarita ($6.25).

Being prone to cracked luck and broken connections, on tombe presque par terre when the bar wench, a stern monolith of many centuries, drops the loot on the table. The towering coco colada is mixed with icy bits and chunks of fruits. And El Passo’s zombie shall erase the ersatz of our dumb teenage years forever. Delicate layers of rum, exotic juices and fruits bond in a monumental glass. C’est délicieux, comme une gifle lorsqu’on est pris d’un malaise. The tiny margarita really is the most beautiful thing. Hélas, the rim has bled into the foamy drink, rendering it excruciatingly salty. Salé! Foamé!

From our seat, we get a crazy slice of the action in the Reception area. It’s Johan, Denis, Claude, Maxime and Chantal’s birthday—the crowd roars. Mélany, the blonde bird who’s la voix des soupers dansants, calls a Continental. A stampede ensues and suddenly, the dancefloor is on fire. It’s 7:51 p.m.

One needs mental health to read the exhaustive menu alors on demande à notre serveuse, Natacha, de choisir pour nous. On n’a pas peur des steaks format Texas, du filet doré amandine ni d’la soupe aux huîtres. Still, when she mentions being a “grande amatrice” of the menu’s Chinese section, panic slowly seeps in…

But, once again, El Passo kicks our ass with its pointy boot. The food is good.

Bon, les asperges frites au beurre nagent dans leur jus d’ail végétal, c’est vrai. Mais le “numéro 8” ($9.95), which includes won ton soup, two egg rolls and “le meilleur poulet du Général Tao en ville” (dixit Natacha), is a nice surprise. Les belles boules de won ton flottent langoureusement dans le bouillon. Les egg rolls sont remplis de chou vert. La sauce du Général est spicy. No cornstarch. Perfectly cooked rice. Eh ben.

More chicken arrives, but we speak elephant by then. Our scribble says, “Poulet Louisianne ($13). La sauce est rougeoyante on the chicken chunks. Les mashed potatoes sont frites! Un obélisk de fried mashed potatoes! Sensationnel! Elvis Crisco is definitely dead.”

Café El Passo ($6.25, and worth every cent) joyfully knocks us out for good. We say thank you and fall face flat in the snowbank.

El Passo
ADDRESS: 3871 Ste-Catherine E. (coin Bourbonnière)
TEL: 526-0449
CARDS: Yes
HOURS: Mon.–Thurs. 10 a.m.–1 a.m.; Fri.–Sun. 10 a.m.–2 a.m.
ALCOOL: Tons!
NO CAR? Métro Papineau & bus 34 till Bourbonnière.
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: Yes, but two steps to reception room and bathrooms.
VEGETARIAN FRIENDLY: Semi-friendly.
THE BILL FOR 2: $100 for asparagus, garlic toasts, one soup, two egg rolls, two huge main dishes, six exotic drinks, one very boozy coffee, three beers and tip.
GO: On your birthday! Free cake for groups of six and more. Mélany sings on Friday, Saturday & Sunday.
RATING: 700 volts!