by JOHNSON CUMMINS

I must admit, I’ve never really had my finger on the pulse of popular culture, but like a scared turtle, I will occasionally peek out from under my shell and see how the Joneses are living. Thanks to the wonders of cable TV, I’ve recently been able to play a game of pop-culture catch-up. For example, here’s a little kernel I caught from the couch while peering over my Rubik’s cube during Larry King Live on CNN. Did you know that Rosie O’Donnell came out as a lesbian and admitted that her confessions of purported lust for Tom Cruise were only to appease her daytime demographic of sexually pent-up harpies and housewives? Who woulda thunk it? Thanks, Larry!

While flipping the channels, I hit the mother lode of America’s current obsession. Better buckle up, because apparently the world has just gone crazier than Anne Heche during a full moon for—poker! That’s right, kids, poker. Five-card stud and Texas hold-’em are blowing up even faster than abortion clinics and crystal-meth use in the Bible belt.

Plucked straight from the smoky backroom parlours and VFW halls, this new spectator sport has been ushered into the upper echelons of sports culture and is taking TV land by storm. On a nightly basis, ESPN and other networks brazenly televise, sometimes for a whole face-melting hour, poker-faced humps playing cards. The game is only half the fun, as watching the packed and dumbstruck studio audience getting tossed and turned with the waves of dizzying victories and crushing defeats only magnifies the intensity. It’s almost as if they were watching, well, an actual sporting event. One spectator, decked out in a “Smell what the Rock’s got cookin’” shirt, actually looked like he was going to break down and cry when a pinky-ringed player from Florida was finally relieved of his last chip.

So how did card games become such a rabid spectator sport? Celebrity endorsements, of course. According to my above-the-radar cathode-ray sleuthing, it seems we have traded in our desire to watch the cast of Full House on reality shows faster than a pair of lousy deuces in hopes of watching them hold a full house. Celebrity poker—with glitterati like Lindsay Lohan and Tony Danza going “all in” while holding a royal flush for rickets, rug burn or whatever charity they’re playing for—is simply hypnotizing.

The hundreds of online poker tournaments, instructional books, DVDs and so on are just further testament to the fact that this beloved card game won’t be going the way of Beta cassettes, fondue sets, electroclash or Ipod DJs (whoops, a little ahead of the curve there) anytime soon.

What’s the next big spectator sport? Crazy Eights? Go Fish? Milton & Bradley’s Operation? Only time will tell, but if we look at our aforementioned Rock-loving poker fan on ESPN as a lightning rod for the next advancement in spectator sports, the betting man in me would have to say it’s a definite… maybe.

POKER? I HARDLY EVEN KNOW HER... jonathan.cummins@gmail.com

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