by SARAH ROWLAND

Fans of Heather Graham’s body won’t be disappointed with Cake. She’s at her doey-eyed bombshell cutest here, sporting a different yet equally revealing get-up in every scene. And in case the tanks and short shorts weren’t enough to draw your attention to her assets, screenwriter Tassie Cameron thoughtfully wrote in a couple of self-referential lines about Graham’s substantial rack. As for fans of Graham’s body of work (Drugstore Cowboy, Boogie Nights, Swingers), they’ll have to hold their breath a little longer for any kind of comeback from the buxom blonde because this embarrassingly bad romantic comedy ain’t it.

Graham plays Pippa, a self-described “fuck-slut-half-orphan,”—meaning, much to her father’s dismay, she’s a skanky travel writer who has spent most of her adult life running from the pain of her mother’s death. But after her publishing magnate papa suffers a heart attack, she sets out to make him proud once and for all by settling into the role of editor at his rudderless bridal mag Wedding Bells. Oh the irony of this commit-a-phobe, who’ll gladly “take a multiple orgasm over a ring any day,” heading up a rag dedicated to the archaic tradition of holy matrimony.

Enter Ian (David Sutcliffe). He’s the anal-retentive vice president of her dad’s flailing empire who steps in to make sure Pippa doesn’t put the company in further arrears with her crazy neo-feminist ideologies. They clash, they fuck, and get this: They have a misunderstanding that tears them apart for most of the third act.

In between all that, Pippa has a lot of poorly written heart-to-hearts with best friends Jane (Sarah Chalke of Scrubs) and Lulu (Sandra Oh of the other hospital comedy, Grey’s Anatomy). It’s here that she realizes that shutting out love won’t bring back her mother, and that she really does need to start acting her age. Sadly, Pippa’s arrested development seems to mirror Graham’s inability to choose age-appropriate roles that showcase her full potential as an actress. Like Pippa, Graham needs to take a more grown-up approach to her work, or at the very least, get in the habit of reading the script before accepting the part.

Cake opens Friday, Dec. 2

>> Movie Listings