M Hey, fucker, Three Mile Scream sounds nothing like Eddie Vedder—with or without Tourette Syndrome. Don’t get my hopes up, you bastard. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, yo, what up Rant Line™? This is your boy, Scoop Jackson with the word from the block. Now, in case you haven’t heard, Montreal hip hop has got a fucking boost in the ass. One of Montreal’s finest, Rugged Intellect, has just collaborated with Kool G Rap. So, for all you people who said the scene don’t exist, here is the proof that if you work hard, something can pop off. If you want to hear the track, you can go to hiphopgame.com in the audio section. Rugged Intellect featuring Kool G Rap: If you don’t know, Kool G Rap is one of the greatest rappers of all time. Top five, yo. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, so I’m on the 365 the other day and there are all these people chanting, “Fuck the emos” and then somebody called the Rant Line™ and said something about the emos. Could somebody tell me: What is an emo? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is to that American girl who said that jazz came from New Orleans. Yes, it did come from New Orleans—from the black community of New Orleans. Secondly, if you love your country so much, why don’t you go back there? [BLEEP!]

F Hi, Rant Line™. This is to the American. First off, who started jazz? It sure as hell wasn’t those white racist pigs you guys have down South. It was the black community. You should check your history books. And why exactly are you on the Rant Line™? Shouldn’t we be ranting about you voting for that warmongering idiot a second time? Who do you think you are? And you say we’re copying your sports? Who started hockey? Huh? And why is it that your U.S. teams always have more Canadian players on them than Americans? Oh, that’s right, because you guys couldn’t hit a PUCK to save your own life. And, by the way, up here in Canada, we have an education system where people are actually educated. We know how to find Iraq on a map before we start bombing them for no reason. And also, we’re not all over 250 lbs! So go back. We don’t want you anymore. You’re crap here. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve got a question. When I listen to Bob Marley and any other reggae, no one automatically assumes that I’m a dope-smoking Rastafarian. But when I listen to Ian Stuart and SKREWDRIVER, people automatically assume I’m a hardcore racist. I don’t know what that’s all about. I actually listen to both those artists. Also, if I don’t like tomatoes on my sandwich, does that make me tomato-phobic? If I don’t necessarily agree with homosexuality, does that make me homophobic? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is a guy phoning for advice. What is the best way to PICK UP GUYS at music shows? I hate going to gay clubs and there are so many cute guys at a lot of music shows. I was at the Bell Orchestre show two weeks ago and I regret not going up to a few cute guys that I wish I had. So I’m hoping to get some advice. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Gays of the Village emerge! Montreal is bigger than four streets in the Village. There are people who like me who don’t like the Village who still want to have GAY SEX. So come out to straight clubs—and not the cheesy ones with eight dollar covers and the Laval boys—but the ones where you’re allowed to RAPE the waitresses when you get really drunk. So, yeah, do it quickly because I’m really fucking horny. Oh yeah, you too, the guy in the alley sucking dick, you come on also! But NO BEARS. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is a message for the copy guy who works at Copies Concordia on de Maisonneuve. I just wanna say that I think you’re really hot and if I wasn’t in a relationship, you could totally change my toner anytime. That’s the TALL COPY GUY WITH THE FACIAL HAIR who sometimes wears a shirt that says “Copy Guy” on it. Also, you’re often in a kind of shitty mood, so hopefully this will put you in a better mood. [BLEEP!]

F I hate Britney Spears. She’s a slut. I wish she would die. But I hate Halle Berry even more. My boyfriend has this total obsession over Catwoman—what was that?! That was a crappy-ass movie with her LITTLE CAT STRUT and her fucking meow shit. She’s a slut, a fucking slut. I wish she would die. And Paris Hilton. What is that? I loved the movie House of Wax though, when she got stabbed through the head. That was EPIC, that was fucking epic. Paris Hilton is a slut too—with all her jewelry and her “Oh my God, that’s hot.” Can’t she come up with a better line? All you blonde bitches out there, I hate you. I hate you all. Except for smart ones. If they’re smart, then it’s good. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum