Dear Sasha: I have been developing a relationship with a woman over the Internet for a while now and we are going to be meeting soon, and most likely will continue to do so. We have very deep feelings for one another, we’ve spoken for hours and hours on the phone, via IM, on cam, and we have an amazing amount of things in common—except for sex.

I discovered that my potential partner has virtually no interest in any kind of sex other than good old-fashioned intercourse. She has never given a blowjob and is disgusted by the idea of it, nor does she want to have oral performed on her. She rarely masturbates, has never used toys, watched porn or, from the sounds of it, used her imagination whatsoever. She uses the fact that she’s from a rural upbringing to explain this and has stated flat out that she won’t likely ever be any different. I know that I am going to be very sexually attracted to her, as she is very attractive, stylish, has a killer body from working out and she’s just plain gorgeous inside and out.

I have had a very full and satisfying sex life in every relationship I’ve been in. Sex is a large part of how I express love and affection for my partner and the thought of being with someone so inhibited truly worries me. I’m not Caligula, but I like some variety and someone who can express herself sexually. I really care for her and other than being totally mismatched sexually, we seem to be perfect for each other.

I don’t want to be in a relationship where sex is a chore, right up there with laundry and vacuuming. I’ve seen enough of my married friends’ wives dangling sex like a carrot in front of a dumb old mule to know that I don’t want that. I’ve never cheated on a partner and I wouldn’t consider going elsewhere for sex. What should I do? —A Bad Seed

Dear Seed,
When someone is unyielding, not to mention disgusted, around even the most basic sexual acts, I’m going to guess that a larger problem than a rural childhood is at hand. Being opposed to anything but intercourse may certainly be the result of a restrictive upbringing (just as persnickety eating habits often reflect an uneventful family larder), but adhering to this rule? What the hell’s that all about?

I wonder if establishing such stringent borders around one’s sexuality isn’t an indication of a misplaced sense of control. Sure, people act out power issues in all kinds of ways—BDSM, cross-dressing, rape fantasies, you name it—and in many cases this causes friction in partnerships where one person is unwilling to play. Personally, I’d be digging a little more into her prohibitive attitude before I got all hitched up. This woman seems to have some control problems, and obviously she’s chosen her sexuality as the forum to act on them.

Unfortunately, in situations where one person is more “adventurous” than the other, the adventurous one tends to get cast as overbearing and excessively horny. Are you ready to start suppressing and feeling ashamed of your desires? Because that’s a big, embittering shithole to crawl out of. Sexual variety isn’t always important to everyone, but if it’s important to you, then it’s important, and you’re allowed to make it a priority.

In the future, her lack of flexibility will undoubtedly frustrate other aspects of your interplay, and frustration can be poisonous. As it stands, you are completely at the mercy of her sexual agenda, and that, as you’ve so creatively noted from watching your friends, is not cool. All this considered, I would be sensitive to the fact that she may have been sexually assaulted, and perhaps do some research into how to approach someone on this issue with grace. Check out the Toronto Rape Crisis Centre and Multicultural Women Against Rape Web site at www.trccmwar.ca for resources and reading.

Got any questions for Sasha? Write her at
465 McGill Street, 3rd floor, Montreal, Quebec, H2Y 4B4
Fax: 393-3173
e-mail: pouledeluxe@yahoo.com