Dear Sasha: My favourite cousin, a guy, recently got a new boyfriend and I can’t stand him. He’s like the bastard child of Truman Capote (the later years) and one of those small, yippy dogs. He’s incredibly negative and self-obsessed. I’ve tried to be nice but this guy is such an asshole to me and keeps making lame “breeder” jokes and talking about anal sex and how “gross” I must think it is. It’s obvious that we don’t get along, but he seems to treat my cousin well so I haven’t wanted to say anything, but I’m starting to think that my choice of keeping my mouth shut was a bad one. My cousin only ever wants to go to gay places and hang out with his (mostly his boyfriend’s) gay friends. To make matters worse, the last time I saw my cousin, he made a comment along the lines that I didn’t get along with his boyfriend because I “couldn’t deal with gay behaviour” and that I was a “prude.”

I don’t know whether to be pissed off or broken-hearted. I was his biggest support when he came out, and now he’s acting like I’m a homophobe. It’s true that I don’t want to hear about their sex life, but that’s because he’s like my brother. What can I say to him that doesn’t just sound like I’m a big homophobe? —Heartbroken Het

Dear Heartbroken,
If anyone’s displaying phobic or prudish behaviour it’s your cousin and his boyfriend. You tell Princess Capote from Ms. Sasha that anal sex is not the exclusive domain of gay men, so using that as a point of prejudice is, and actually always was, bullshit. We’re all taking it up the ass, so really, what’s so especially icky about his? As for your cousin, he should know that those who were supportive of his sexual orientation against an undoubtedly difficult family backdrop deserve much more respect than these flaccid accusations. Also, what the fuck is gay behaviour? If it consists exclusively of deliberately shocking sexual disclosures, well that’s also not restricted to gay men and it’s also rude and boring no matter who’s doing it.

All this said, your cousin is obviously in that giddy early phase of coming out. Even though he totally deserves a swift kick in the ass, you’re going to need to keep your feet on the ground—for both of you. Being newly gay can be very exciting. You spend a lot of time trying on the personalities and politics of queerdom and part of this involves calling everyone who appears to disapprove of you homophobic. This can be really hurtful and frustrating to those at whom it’s inaccurately flung, but he’s allowed to make new friends, go out to gay bars, date nasty queens, and be a big annoying faggot, at least for a while.

Dear Sasha: Do women actually like fisting? Quite frankly, I haven’t been with a great many women, and none of them asked me to do that, and when I read about what women like it never makes the list. —Stan

Dear Stan,
I can only imagine, given the lack of mainstream information, that many straight women have very vague ideas about fisting (if they have any at all), so they probably wouldn’t even know to include it in their preferences. If you have no practice with it, fisting can definitely come across as one of those activities surrounded by pain and Sapphic mystery. So much material that broadcasts prevailing “tastes,” probably stuff you’re referring to, also ends up impacting prevailing tastes. With women’s magazines reporting vaginal tightening and men’s magazines’ cock culture—creating an impossible balance of perpetually constricted and perpetually hard— where do you think something like fisting, an activity that reveals how accommodating the vagina can be and what nifty friends the penis has, is going to end up? Not on the menu at the average straight woman’s pussy, that’s for sure.

In my own experience, women who like fisting are unequivocally wild for it, and that goes for both the giver and the receiver. If you’re interested in learning more, I would suggest Deborah Addington’s book, A Hand in the Bush.

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