by ALICE AND YANKA

We’re out. The squirrels spurned us. They kept all our crimes and nuts then kicked us out of the nest. Hibernating this year, ça va pas être un cadeau.

Everything’s bleak. It’s 4 o’clock, the sun is dead, people eat dog hair to survive, it hurts. Le seul organisme vivant dans l’coin? Un cube de verre, plastered with paste-on letters chained together into words such as “foie de boeuf,” “déjeuner 1,99$,” “spaghetti a/v,” “toast” and “bambino pizza.” Inside: weird people, drunken fools, black babies with their families, wild seniors and the Chief of operations, who never utters a word. Welcome to Blanche Neige, bienvenue aux dames. Better than psychotherapy.

When you come in, you may think you’ve entered this chic palace, glass-caged and white-tableclothed. So stay. And take 14 steps towards the cash register to enter a kingdom of fucked-upness. Most walls in this claustrophobic faux-Swiss hut are covered with thick wood planks, except one, which is adorned with a garish mural. It joyously depicts Snow White, her gang of stoned-looking dwarves and some odd animals. Dexedrine, debilitated, deranged, delirious: the rabbits are really scary.

Cinzano ($3.25) is for when rejection calls to say, “My foot, your face.” Maudits squirrels. Time evaporates, as do a few hundred chicken wings ($16.99/20) and a big chunk of sanity.

On s’réveille dans un sac de couchage, en d’ssous d’une banquette. It’s 10 o’clock in the daylight. It’s Sunday. It’s packed. It’s partout de jeunes hommes à peine sortis du lit et prêts à y retourner, au grand bonheur de toutes. Chief, fresh as a sword, points to the tiniest booth in the back. It’s like sitting on a postage stamp. We don’t complain. He scratches the chipped edge of our table for a really long time. In silence. On comprend rien. We are officially dead from the neck up.

All around, posters with pictures of big coffee cups and exquisite wordplay like “Expresso Yourself” taunt the cells. On veut du café. There’s a variety of babes waitressing but we’re cacti and camels to them. Finalement, someone drops by. We can’t expresso ourselves so good, on dirait. All the other customers sip dark, thick concoctions topped with cowy froth while we get two cups of jus d’chaussette and cream goblets.

Eating seems complicated. All these words. “Two specials?” asks the waitress. Okay, with pancakes. She’s already gone, swallowed by the gray kitchen. The phone rings off the hook but Chief does not flinch. Nor will he speak, ever. Our next-booth neighbour is oblivious to it all. He’s sane and leisurely builds a triple-decker sandwich out of his breakfast, using only his fork and knife. No fingers. Bread, egg, cheese, bacon, bread. Then he cuts everything in tiny squares and eats it like a steak. Bravo, man.

The breakfast with pancakes bears the name “Large Breakfast” ($4.69). It does not fit on the table. The pancakes are big, cute fatties. Deux belles couvertures de pâte fluffy. There’s a sinewy onion strand nestled between them. It looks so comfortable; we leave it there and work around it. C’est dimanche, après tout.

The $1.99 breakfast special is hard to beat, save for the insipid potatoes. They should be impaled over a raging blaze. The eggs are portly, le pain est toasté comme du monde. Et $1.99, c’est le plus beau chiffre after zero or what?

Come high noon, on commence à sentir le vieux bouc and since the booze starts to fly early chez Blanche-Neige, we settle in more comfortably, possibly forever.

TUNNYFISH STICK! cheapmotel@hotmail.com

Restaurant Blanche-Neige (since 1959!)
ADDRESS: 5737 Côte-des-Neiges
TEL: 738-3251
HOURS: Mon–Fri 6 a.m.–2 a.m.; Sat–Sun open 24 hours.
CARDS: Yes
ALCOHOL: Pitchers, Chianti Rufino, Corona (!), Greek wines, house wine and, sadly, Boomerang.
DO NOT MISS: Spaghetti with sliced chicken ($7.25), mixed grill
English style ($7.95), cold smoked meat platter ($6.75), Virginia ham steak with pineapple rings ($6.95).
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: Not much space to manoeuvre.
DILL PICKLE: 85 cents each
SMOKING SECTION: Oui. BEST FEATURES: $1.99 breakfast with beer, the clientele.
RATING: 5 points out of 7