F You people get so EXCITED about the local music scene here. It’s full of shit! A few years ago you had Gogh Van Go, everybody made a big deal about them—where the hell are they now? This local music scene isn’t worth shit at all! [BLEEP!]

M You know, I’m sick and tired of all these people bashing Pop Montreal. I wish they’d realize how important customized funky Pop Montreal BIC LIGHTERS are to the scene. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M This is not so much a rant as it is an idea for a Montreal local music scene. I want to try and get some fantastic out-of-towners to come into town, like Aphex Twin and Squarepusher or Luke Vibert and all those crazy people from Europe. I mean, they got a whole lot more than anything here can offer. [BLEEP!]

F I don’t think it’s so much that every Plateau hipster now looks like Wolf Parade. It’s that Wolf Parade is trying to look like every Plateau hipster. See? That’s their gimmick. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is Roger calling. I have a nine-year-old Siberian HUSKY and I’ve had him since he was about four months old. When I got him, my family thought it would be funny if they bought me all kinds of wolf paraphernalia—shirts, mouse pads, all kinds of wolf stuff. And I’ve been walking around wearing wolf t-shirts for, like, 10 years. All of a sudden, I open the newspaper and see all these Wolf Parade press release photos and the guy’s wearing my t-shirt! And now whenever I go out on the town, people in bars are like, “Heh, heh, you’re down, huh? You know what’s up,” or they’re like, “Why are you dressing like the guy from Wolf Parade?” And I’ve been dressing like this for 10 years! I don’t dress like him, he dresses like me. That’s my rant. I love my dog. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Man, I had the weirdest dream about WOLF EYES. I dreamt that I had gone to a show with a friend of mine and, for some reason, she started describing wolf eyes to me. She said wolf eyes is when you scoop out the centres of two PLUMS and you fill them with COCAINE. And I just thought that was fucked up, man. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the yokel who was ranting about having to deal with the occasional shit from a seeing-eye dog. Well, why don’t you go around town with a blindfold for two minutes, asshole, and see what kind of shit you get into? I mean, God, what’s he going to rant about next? People in wheelchairs taking up too much sidewalk space? [BLEEP!]

F This is to the girl on the bike who said that men tried to talk to her just because she was showing LEG with her SKIRT. Well, if you don’t want to attract that type and make sure that they’re talking to you for your personality, then don’t wear short skirts. Then you’ll know for sure. [BLEEP!]

M May I suggest pants, you stupid twat? Duh. [BLEEP!]

F Oh my God, what the fuck is wrong with people? They try to talk to me? Why has God struck me down with this affliction of being a good-looking female? Oh my God! AH! [BLEEP!]

M To the little chickie-poo who ranted about getting too much male attention. You’re right. We wouldn’t talk to you if you weren’t wearing a skirt. So why don’t you start wearing a CHADOR if we’re too much for you? Then, later, you’ll be bitching about where all the men in this city are. [BLEEP!]

M You know what’s unacceptable behaviour? Wearing a skirt when you’re on a bike, dear. I mean, seriously, don’t tell me you’re doing that because it’s good for your health. You’re doing that so you’ll get noticed. You know what people like that are called? They’re called COCKTEASERS. I like these women who show TOO MUCH BOSOM or too much leg and then get all upset when the men look at them. God, we’re only human, we have eyes, you know? I’m sure if you saw a great looking guy wearing some tight pants with a TIGHT BUTT, you’d probably look at him, too, okay? I’m sure the guy wouldn’t mind. So dear, don’t mind. [BLEEP!]

F The other day I caught my boyfriend trimming the HAIR IN HIS NOSE in the bathroom. I think that was the funniest, funniest shit ever! And I think he’s probably reading this while he’s taking his POWER CRAP. Keep on trimming the hair in your nose, baby. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is a response to the person talking about elections and stuff. You know, it takes up most of my time and energy making sure I get paid from the telemarketing companies I work for, making sure I ration my HERB so I never run out, and dealing with my psychotic girlfriend. So do you think I have time to worry about elections? And while I’m at it, what the heck is Projet Montreal? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum