by JOHNSON CUMMINS

Halloween is great for the monetarily frivolous and the highly motivated, but for those of us who are sloth-like and cheap, it can be quite a daunting holiday. Costume rentals can be costly, and actually coming up with homemade outfit ideas is just too mentally taxing, not to mention gathering change for Unicef boxes, carving pumpkins, paying for candy and so on. The latter I nipped in the bud on the Halloween I drunkenly gave out ziplocked baggies of milk and pencil erasers. Since then, the ghostly neighbourhood tykes just don’t come a-tap-tap-tappin’ on my door anymore. So let’s just move on to the subject that has plagued the cheap, lazy Halloweener for ages—the costume.

Nothing screams out “I am a premature ejaculator born to die alone” like throwing on a bedsheet with eye-holes cut out, so if you’re as lazy and cheap as I am, but still want to rock this Halloween, follow this route. A popular costume idea that is affordable and takes little effort is “the random.” Merely allow yourself five minutes before you’re off to your party, grab as many household items as you can and affix them to your body with duct tape. Remember, no more then five minutes preparation time. When people ask what you’re supposed to be when they see you wearing a gorilla mask, a pasta strainer as a codpiece, a pair of X-ray specs, peanut butter rubbed on your chest, ketchup on your head (simulating an open wound) and Kleenex boxes for shoes, just reply “a unicorn” and walk—erm, shuffle away. It’ll blow their minds!

A big hotspot for the cheap and lazy on All Hallow’s Eve is of course the oasis for the penny-pinching indie-rock fan known as Value Village. There you can always find assloads of stuff that was in fashion in the ’80s and goes for next to nothing now. Pick up one of those giant leather jackets with the eightball on the arm, or the ones that have USA emblazoned in leathered finery on the back, and match that with some white Reebok trainers, tight jeans, a plastic “gold” eagle necklace, a “No Sweat” workout shirt, wraparound sunglasses and a leather NASCAR baseball hat (American flag bandana optional), splash on some cheap aftershave and—the piece de résistance—scrawl a barbed-wire tattoo on your arm with a magic marker, and voilà, you’re a monosyllabic hump from Laval.

Of course, there are the lazy and cheap couples out there that want to costume themselves with a unified theme that will let the world know “We’re in love, we’re really in fucking goddamn love, alright?!” Lucky for you, Value Village never has a shortage of wigs (pick out the less moth-eaten ones) and jazzercise outfits. The male is to wear a short perm wig while the female opts for a short perky bob. Jazzercise outfits don’t really specify gender, so mix and match. Plaster on the ultimate used-car salesman smile and presto, you’re the hosts of Canada’s favourite infomercial, Body Break!

WATCH OUT FOR RAZOR BLADES! jonathan.cummins@gmail.com

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