by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Michele Ashenden

Age: 35

Occupation: Horticulturist

Bio: This happy-as-all-get-out Montreal West resident was bored stiff pushing papers in the Canadian Armed Forces when she realized she was ready for a “dramatic career change.” So, 10 years ago, having held a passion for plants all her life, she decided to go back to school to develop her horticulture skills, and, after two years of intensive study, immediately found a gig in her new discipline. “People are screaming for horticulturists. If you can’t find work in this field then you have a problem.” Currently employed by a company called Planterra, each day Michele makes the rounds of offices, shopping malls, individual homes and the like to make sure all the plants she works with are eternally happy, healthy and wise.

Do plants get lonely when their primary caretaker goes on vacation? “Oh, for sure. Are you kidding!? They sulk, they get sad—I mean, we’ve had plants die a painful death after being super-beautiful immediately after people move from one office cubicle to another. I see it happen all the time. They go straight downhill. Nothing else changes, same [plant] technician, same schedule, same location, but all of a sudden the plant dies after the person leaves.”

Do plants generally recognize her when she comes around to take care of them? Yes.

By extension, wouldn’t that suggest the cactus currently rotting in everyone’s mother’s crapper has the capacity for rational thought? “I wouldn’t say that exactly, but they do know how to survive. Everything they can possibly do to survive is within them. I mean, I’ve come across plants that actually glow in the dark and it’s amazing they’re even alive, but they’ll do whatever it takes.”

Two hot tips with respect to maintaining healthy house plants throughout the winter: “Don’t over-fertilize. You should probably put your last bit of fertilizer in around now, and nothing until, say, the end of February. And plants take less water in the winter because there’s less sun—depending on where they are, of course. If they’re right beside a heater then forget it, they’ll need even more water.”

Is it emotionally distressing for her to come across vegetation that’s been mistreated? “Oh yeah, if I see a plant wilting I just can’t pass it by. Even if it’s not mine I’ll stop and water it. They pull me by the collar, they go, like, ‘Hello!’ and they call my name. The same with my plants at home too. They whisper my name when they’re dry so I’ll know.”

Do mistreated plants tend to carry a lot of emotional baggage? Sort of. “It always feels better to be working with newer plants rather than older ones which have been abused—like those that have been in a public area and bumped a hundred times. The newer plants just give off better energy.”

Last book read: Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker.

Musical preferences: J.D. Fortune, aka the new singer of reality TV stars, INXS.

Words of wisdom: “Live life with passion.”

Comments? dimwit@hdot.net