by RUPERT BOTTENBERG

Halloween, according to Adam Gollner, is “a heathen ritual celebrating evil, and it must be eliminated from our calendars at all costs.” Nick Diamonds expands on that: “Halloween was started in 1937 by the Bilderbergers, an evil secret society whose members have included G.W. Bush and Nazi Germany’s Himmler, as a way to strike fear into the hearts of the Western population. The whole trick-or-treat thing is a huge distraction, and by the way, candy is really bad for you! Oh, and NATO = Nazi!”

Sound like crackpot, cornpone nonsense from the Bible Belt? Well, the trick’s on you, because these two canny, connected cool-meisters are from Montreal (Diamonds is of the band Islands, Gollner of We Are Molecules), and there’s a real momentum behind their association, the North American Halloween Prevention Initiative, an outreach to foreign lands—and to do-gooders here at home!—aimed at shutting down the annual night of frights.

While it’s UNICEF that gets the proceeds, the NAPHI’s content to raise awareness for its own cause with the recently-released single “Do They Know It’s Hallowe’en?” It boasts a spread of superstar contributions, from the Arcade Fire, Beck, Karen O, Buck 65, Feist, Thurston Moore, Roky Erickson, Peaches, David Cross, Malcolm McLaren and more. The tune itself is catchy and moving, more than a match for its 1984 X-mas equivalent from Band Aid (plus it has a better video). But will it rid our calendars of jack o’ lanterns? The Mirror grilled Gollner and Diamonds on the matter.

Mirror: How does the NAPHI intend to counteract the tradition of Halloween in North America?

Nick Diamonds: By giving out toothbrushes and brussel sprouts, and sprinkling Red Star nutritional yeast on all the children that come to the door!

Adam Gollner: By asking the rest of the world, a large portion of which doesn’t observe Halloween, to help rid us of this annual terror-fest.

M: How exactly do you expect far-flung, economically challenged nations—such as Latvia, Laos, Chad and Peru, which you namecheck specifically on the album—to assist you in this matter?

AG: Despite their challenges—corruption, questionable labour practices, being used as alliterative devices in our song—they aren’t spooked by Oct. 31, so we can learn from them. And then exploit them further. We’ve asked Chad, one of the world’s most corrupt nations, to form a committee to teach our delegates how to abolish longstanding cultural practices without public consent. Latvia has promised a dozen helicopters which will air-drop packages containing dental floss and anti-Hallowe’en propaganda.

Thinking outside the box

M: Do the many artists who have taken part in this project generally share your revulsion towards Halloween?

ND: Oh yes, most definitely. They’re all members of the charter of the NAHPI.

AG: Elvira may pretend to be pro-scary, but she’s really an undercover operative in this crusade against Halloween. She’s NAHPI’s Valerie Plame. You better not leak this memo or you’ll be our Judith Miller.

M: I recognize that this is a benefit CD for UNICEF. That’s very sweet of you, but please note that the cancellation of Halloween means the cancellation of UNICEF’s fundraising with those little orange boxes they give kids to take with them when trick-or-treating. I don’t know that your CD will generate enough cash flow to counteract this dramatic loss of revenue for UNICEF.

AG: To put aside my faux-anti-Halloween persona for a moment, UNICEF oversees a program that is very close to my heart. Those trick-or-treating boxes are how children here can help other children in impoverished nations. That’s such a magical and powerful idea, so fill those boxes up on Halloween.

M: While you have your “issues” with Halloween, you must acknowledge that the holiday involves costumes and candy, which are cool and fun.

ND: Most certainly not. There is nothing cool about candy.

M: Are you prepared to propose an alternate holiday that would maintain the presence of treats and funny outfits in our North American lives?

AG: I think we should just keep on having casual Fridays with free coffees. Funky outfits and treats—badda bing. Let’s also continue dressing young men as soldiers and stage wars of liberation as the “trick” component. Fighting in remote places to boost our economy, who could possibly say “boo” to that?

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