by KRISTIAN GRAVENOR

Montreal’s first church builders wisely erected solid fences to protect themselves from untimely demise by flying tomahawk. But sexual abstinence requirements progressively thinned the ranks of the clerical class, and those religious buildings have gone empty. Many such locked gates have since opened to the public, such as those downtown lands scooped up by Dawson and Concordia.

Villa Maria is a whole ’nother story. If you’ve never gotten beyond the 20-foot-high wrought-iron gates near the Villa Maria metro, you’re missing a bucolic urban wonderland where you can wander for hours, walking a dog, cross-country skiing or climbing apple trees.

It tends to be a slightly uneasy visit, knowing you can be kicked off at any time. In the ’70s, Montrealers pressured the city to expropriate some of the sprawling territory to allow us unwashed riff-raff legitimate access to the land. The Catholic Church landlords responded by promising to leave the gates unlocked and tolerate all comers.

Back then, the public high school bordering the property—nowadays Marymount Academy—had an unsanctioned, but tolerated, hole in the fence dividing the properties. It permitted Marymounters a shortcut to zip through the verdant property to the metro.

Eventually that hole was plugged, and the massive gates locked after school hours. If you’re not among the 1,000 English and French private schoolgirls who attend classes at Villa Maria, you’re deemed a trespasser if you’re found on the grounds.

A Villa Maria official attempted to explain its policy to me. Kids holding a pickup game on the field are escorted out, but neighbours wandering around the lands are tolerated.

Meanwhile, its neighbours starve for green space. Marymount Academy doesn’t even have a field. The have-nots usually played their home soccer games at a distant city park. This year Marymount didn’t get that park, and played all of their so-called home games on the road.

Expropriation of a chunk of Villa Maria seems fair, but unlikely. Marianopolis College will be moving into a building at Villa Maria in two years—perhaps that’ll solve everything. Marianopolis has its own issues at Villa Maria. They reportedly want to build a pool on the eastern edge of the property, but nearby Westmounters oppose the plan. No word on what neighbour Jean Charest thinks.

Maybe, when Marianopolis comes to Villa, we’ll finally be welcomed—or at least be able to slip into the crowd—to enjoy this green urban jewel without fear of expulsion. fff

French teachers instruct us to say things like “Nous mangeons le diner.” In reality the French here say, “On mange le diner.” But “on” doesn’t mean “we.” That phrase means, “One is eating lunch” or “Lunch is being eaten.”

The on-for-nous passive-voice mania promotes imprecision, yet nobody wants to sprain their tongue conjugating verbs suffixed by “ons.”

An analysis of several thousand words of spoken French reveals that Premier Charest has a grisly on-to-nous ratio. Jacques Parizeau and André “Candy Andy” Boisclair use “nous” far more often.

In a recent debate, however, Boisclair raised “on” to a higher level. When attacked for some past PQ Cabinet decision, Boisclair replied that his detractor had also taken part in the decision. Boisclair wanted to say, “You’re saying ‘YOU,’ when you should say ‘WE.’”

But instead of saying “nous” for “we,” Candy Andy opted for “on,” resulting in the weird and inelegant, “You’re saying ‘YOU,’ but you should say ‘ONE.’” Tragically, the use of on-as-nous has become accepted in the vernacular.

• • •

Provigo peddles over 30 varieties of orange juice, 30 types of bottled water and 30 flavours of vinegar. And they sell only two brands of tonic water. Yes, we are victims of a repressive Canada Dry-Schweppes tonic duopoly. Yes, it must be smashed. Yes, vodka’s best friend even treats malaria, and deserves some respect. My brother JD has vowed to fix this. He’s calling on all citizens to invent and market new boutique tonics, hopefully with more quinine and less sugar. Please support this campaign.

Comments? kgravy@openface.ca