by RAF KATIGBAK

Okay, so it’s the MEG Montreal weekend and you’ve got your festival all figured out. You got your map with little red lines showing the fastest ways to get to the gigs, and your exact itinerary of with whom, and at exactly what times, you’re going to see your favourite acts. You got your tickets well in advance to avoid any last-minute heartbreak—hell, you’ve even got each outfit pre-planned, colour-coordinated and labelled by date in your closet. There’s only one all-important question remaining—where the hell do you get Sparks in this town?!

For those of you who haven’t heard, Sparks is the latest energy drink to sweep the party scene south of the border. Take a dose of caffeine, mix it with taurine, ginseng, guarana and malt liquor (!?), add a little Tang for flavour, then some certified FD&C yellow number five, and voila! Sparks.

Brewed by the Steel Brewing Company in San Francisco, Sparks’s effect was described by one particularly enthusiastic Montreal PR agent as “utter bliss” and “a gorgeous concoction with the effect of doing a bump of Colombian marching powder and shot-gunning a Black Label Extreme. It also has the delicate citrus zest of orange soda… with a hint of diesel.”

Unlike beer-based alcoholic energy drinks like Labatt’s Shok and Molson’s Kick, Sparks is, um, different. “Sketchy is the key word,” exclaims local experimental musician and Sparks connoisseur Tim Hecker. “It’s fun, but it’s dirty fun. It’s a malt liquor, so it’s in the tradition of Colt 45 and St. Ides—that is the foul soil from which this hideous tree was grown. It really wigs you out.”

Hecker isn’t the only experimental musician entranced by the intoxicating effects of Sparks. Kid 606 composed two audio spots for the beverage (check sparks.com), which integrated their catchphrase “Jumpstart the night” into his trademark rave-a-delic hardcore mash-up style. Basically, Sparks is Colt 45 plus crystal meth (oh wait, did I just invent Crystal 45?), so it’s like being drunk but really alert. Which means increased reflexes… which means… less drunk driving accidents! So really, is there any reason we shouldn’t be stocking these things on grocery-store shelves? Perhaps it’s a crime not to have these things in the SAQ? Let’s start a letter writing campaign to bring Sparks to the streets of Montreal! Who’s with me?!

Well, even if the idea of tweaking out on malt liquor doesn’t appeal to you, there should be lots of local goings-on that should. Beyond the insane line-up at the MEG festival this year, all of which is must-see, this Friday, Pat Boogie will be helping DJ Lexis celebrate his birthday at Upperclub with more deep, funky house and beats than you can shake a stick at. On Sunday, DJ Frigid will be performing live at his Electruck weekly at Parking. This is your last chance to catch him before he goes into a studio, cuts an album, becomes huge, is seen on the cover of magazines and spirals out of control in a whirlwind of fame, money and substances. Free admission before 11 p.m.!

CAN’T START A FIRE WITHOUT A SPARK… Diskoakimbo@sympatico.ca

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