by JOHNSON CUMMINS

The big show this week would have to be

Norwegian black metal kings Death Cab for Cutie, who desecrate the Spectrum on the Sabbath day. Known for being key instigators of the rampant black-metal church burnings outside of Oslo in the early ’90s, these Nordic nutjobs proved to be crazier’n heck. Check this out—original singer Dead would ironically live up to his name when he gnawed down on the wrong end of a 12-gauge. Guitarist Euronymous found his remains in his apartment and actually made a stew out of his brain, with frozen vegetables and paprika, while drummer Hellhammer was content to make a necklace out of the remnants of the poor fella’s skull. Euronymous would be later murdered by Mayhem bass player Count Grishnackh and… uh…

Whoops, I seem to be thinking of black metal band Mayhem and not Death Cab for Cutie at all! Man, egg on my face or what, huh? Okay, let’s try this again. If you dig making mixed tapes for the girlfriend you broke up with two years ago, like to watch The O.C. “ironically,” cry to Bright Eyes songs and are a blogaholic, uh, you should, like, totally go see DCFC. Like, totally. If you like wearing corpse paint and massive armbands with six-inch nails sticking out while shopping at the dollar store, I am truly sorry for getting your hopes up, and fercrissakes, move out of your parents’ house!

The Mango Kid himself makes a long-awaited return to Montreal tonight. Danko Jones plays with Rocketface at Petit Campus. On Saturday, you have to go see Danzig, Chimaira, the amazing power metal of Poland’s Behemoth, Himsa and that little elfin creature Mortiis (who, oddly enough, was actually once in Norwegian black-metal band Emperor) when the Blackest of the Black tour pulls into the Medley. This is Danzig’s last tour before retiring from the road, but more importantly, his fellow former Misfit Doyle joins him onstage as they blast through a half-hour Misfits set.

The 23rd installment of LabProjects is quite a doozy, with Sam Shalabi, Harris Newman, Jesse Levine, Keith Marchand of the Donkeys and others jamming it on the one and a half at O Patro Vys, on Saturday as well. On Sunday, Trevor Dunn of Fantômas, Mr. Bungle and John Zorn fame is at the Green Room. Also happening on Sunday is K Records’ Old Time Relijun, Creeping Nobodies and Panopticon Eyelids at Casa del Popolo. On Monday, local rapmetal sensations les Georges Leningrad will blast the cave that is Zoobizarre with the World Provider and DJ Satan Belanger. Wear your baggy jeans to this one.

On Tuesday, you can forget about trying to get into the Wolf Parade show at Théâtre Plaza as it’s sold out. Don’t fret though, as one of the best live bands ever the Bellrays are rolling into Sala Rossa the same night. You are guaranteed to dig their kick ass Black Flag/MC5/Ike & Tina Turner hybrid.

OH NO, YOU DIDN’t… jonathan.cummins@gmail.com

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