F Hello, Rant Line™, hello people of Montreal. I just have one thing to say: Those of you who did not attend the Audioslave concert missed out on a GOD singing in person. You missed out on seeing some good ol’ Rage songs, some good ol’ Soundgarden, and even a little bit of Temple of the Dog. Oh man, you people who didn’t go are all idiots, you don’t even know how many ORGASMS I had. It’s about time a fucking good band came and played in Montreal. Word up. Chris Cornell is the shit. [BLEEP!]

F This is about the Lesbians on Ecstasy show at the Parking. It was fantastic, mind-blowing, raw. It was electro, rock, metal, dance—it was the best band I’ve heard in years! I think these girls are GENIUSES. They are beyond Montreal hot, they’re U.K. hot! And I have a CRUSH on one of them, but I can’t say which one because then my girlfriend would know it’s me calling the Rant Line™. Oops, I shouldn’t have said that. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, to that girl who called about the bad promotion at the Smiff-n-Wesson show. Look, I understand your frustration, but we can’t make every show. I missed Public Enemy’s show a couple of years ago in NDG. But to take it out on Scott C is just fucking retarded! The guy’s been promoting shows in the Mirror column for fucking years. He knows his part of the scene, and he’s a columnist not a promoter. Get over it. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F I’m calling in response to the Aaron Hall concert that was quote-unquote awesome. What freaking concert was this dude at? The performance and sound were WEAK and after four songs everybody was heading out. I think this is just a promoter trying to big up himself on a job that he did that failed. Bitch. [BLEEP!]

M This rant goes out to the guy who advertised in the Mirror, looking for a drummer for his alternative band. Dude, you got a lot to learn about THE UNDERGROUND, man. I tried you six different times and so what if I called your house at six in the morning? I couldn’t reach you any other time. And what’d you do? You bit my head off! Dude, I suggest you change your attitude, because if you don’t, man, your band is gonna go nowhere. And the other members can realize that they just lost a really, really good drummer for no reason other than the leader of the band’s ARROGANCE. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F I’d just like to rant about this thriving breed of NAME-DROPPING URBAN HIPSTERS. I’m talking about those individuals who spend all their time networking and schmoozing so they can acquire a ridiculous amount of trivial information and accumulate names in these giant banks so they can then drop them at every moment—regardless of relevance or talent or actual connection. I don’t really care if you just had tea with all 50 members of the Arcade Fire, their dogs and their grandmothers! [BLEEP!]

F I’m reading the Vice Guide to Montreal and in the St-Henri section, it gives away the beautiful secret of Black Jack’s. Fuck you, Raf Katigbak. You’re going to have a Dome Theater mutiny on your hands. [BLEEP!]

M (w/ridiculous fake German accent) Hello, this is Wolfgang. The other day I was walking down the streets of Montreal and I suddenly saw a pair of Wolf Eyes looking at me. I slowly realized I was at the Wolf Parade! Everyone was chanting, “We Are Wolves, We Are Wolves.” All the AIDS wolves were there on the side. Were these people raised by wolves? What is the next thing? Deranged Raccoon? Rabbit Foot? Salmon Arm? Fish Patty? At that moment I looked at my watch. I was late for rehearsal with the best band in the world—my band Beaver Lord. AAAAHHH! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Montrealers. Okay, I understand very well the need to put up your cute little rock ’n’ roll fliers for your little shows and everything. I understand the need very much to put up your garage sale signs. I especially understand the need to put up your lost pet and your little art project/random photos pinned around the city and all that shit. I understand this stuff very much. But leave the TREES out of it! All right? Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M I wanna burn Paris Hilton at the stake and instead of using WOOD, I wanna use her money. She’s ruining my cable TV experience, goddamnit. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this is in response to the girl who was wondering why everyone is so mean to McGill students from out of town. Well, I don’t know about all of them, but I know it’s pretty TROUBLING when you go to Cinéma du Parc and you see three giggling girls in PAJAMAS with giant stuffed animal slippers. I wish that their residences weren’t upstairs from the Cinéma du Parc, maybe then we wouldn’t see them every day going shopping and buying cereal in their pajamas. It’s a little too much intimacy for me. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum