by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Pierre-Paul Tellier

Age: 55

Occupation: Director of Student Health at McGill University

Bio: This humble downtown resident was initially inspired to study medicine by 1970s TV superdoctor Marcus Welby M.D. Spawned from humble roots in the Ottawa Valley, Pierre-Paul, an academically-gifted tyke, soon realized upon entering med school that the reality of health care wasn’t quite as wonderful as presented on television. Continuing in the field nevertheless, he’s now in his third decade at McGill, and in his capacity as director of student health services has come across more diseased genitals than a veteran East End crack whore. In the effort to reduce those numbers, the good doctor has been instrumental in setting up Shagalicious, a cut-rate on-campus “sex shop” which strongly emphasizes healthy sex practices, arguably the first of its kind in North America.

Has anybody informed him that he’ll soon be feeling the wrath of God for trying to sell students on safe sex? Nary a soul so far.

Can one buy a cock ring at Shagalicious? Nope.

A Rabbit vibrator? Nope.

A butt plug? Nope. “But we sell lube and condoms.”

Doesn’t he realize that selling quality vibrators would be helpful in encouraging female students to just go home alone for a satisfying sexual experience instead of spreading for some drunk, limp-dicked frat boy in a stall in the ladies’ shitter at Gert’s Pub? “Well, we have had inquiries about [selling vibrators] and our philosophy is to respond to the need of students. So if we find there’s a need then we’ll look into it. And yes, students have asked for vibrators. No demand for cock rings though.”

Does he ever get grossed out when he comes across especially unhealthy genitals? “Yes, there are instances where you go, ‘Oh my God, I’ve got to get out of here ‘cuz [lunch] is going to come up soon.’ But you have to pull yourself together, of course.”

How one should proceed if they come across a lover who tells them, “Yeah, um, don’t worry about any of those lesions or all of that discharge, just put on a dental dam and everything will be fine”: “Well, you can only tell patients how to proceed with this sort of thing as they come in. Certainly part of the advice to somebody [who has an STD] is to abstain temporarily from sex or at the very least to use condoms. Whether they will or not, we don’t know. But people definitely do knowingly pass these diseases along.”

Is it true once the discharge stops flowing that your VD problems are over? Apparently not. “Actually, we don’t encounter [discharge-producing STDs] as often as you think. I can count the number of gonorrhea cases that came in last year on my two hands. Many more students come in with herpes and HPV [Human Papillomavirus i.e. genital warts] than gonorrhea.”

Musical preferences: Pink Martini.

Last book read: Secret Muses: The Life of Frederick Ashton, by Julie Kavanagh.

Words of wisdom: “Be aware of and help others if you can.”

Comments? dimwit@openface.ca