by GABRIEL MORENCY

It’s nice to see that after a crippling 310-day lockout that sent the National Hockey League into its darkest and most embarrassing hour, the NHL and everything that surrounds it are still as dysfunctional as Britney Spears and Kevin “Cletus” Federline’s marriage. The league signs a television contract that pays them absolutely nothing. The union forces its leader to step down only to challenge the hiring process of his successor.

Feminist groups are up in arms about the league’s new ad campaign that features a scantily-clad woman, and fans are wondering if numerous rule changes will leave what used to be known as the “coolest game on Earth” looking more like a game of after-school cosom hockey at the local Y, in which the kid who plays too rough is sent home.

The red line has been taken out. Shootouts now determine ties. Goalies and their sized-down equipment will be penalized for handling the puck outside a designated area and obstruction is now being called as defined. All in an effort to open things up and rid the game of the clutching and grabbing that had made the product almost unwatchable. Of course, the league has threatened to enforce the letter of the law before, and it usually has meant about as much as a Jack Todd column. Not very.

New faces everywhere

Rules weren’t the only thing that changed this off-season, as Peter Forsberg is now a Flyer, Eric Lindros is a Leaf and, at this stage of his career, probably as fragile as one. Dominik Hasek is a Senator. So is Dany Heatley. Chris Pronger and Mike Peca are now Oilers as, in a salary-cap-structured league, the Edmontons and Calgarys can now afford to play and, more importantly, pay on the same playing field as a Detroit or New York. Mario Lemieux’s Pittsburgh Penguins brought in John LeClair, Ziggy Palffy, Sergei Gonchar and every other available player in the free world to put alongside “Sid the Kid that saved Pittsburgh.” Wayne Gretzky traded a spot in the owner’s box to a seat behind the bench in Phoenix. Tampa lost Nikolai Khabibulin, but still has St. Louis, Lecavalier and Richards to go along with the league’s best coach in John Tortorella.

The Canadiens were one of the least active teams as far as free agent signings went, if you don’t count Youppi! But they did re-sign Alexei Kovalev to a four-year, $18-million deal, and brought Mathieu Dandenault from the Detroit Red Wings to a team that knocked off the Bruins in the first round before being swept by the eventual champion Lightning. Radek Bonk was acquired in a three-team deal that saw Mathieu Garon sent to Los Angeles.

Youth step up

The shift towards youth at the Bell Centre has begun, and we are not talking about the upcoming Disney on Ice. The time has come for the Komisareks, Plekanecs and Higginses to be key contributors to a team searching for its first final appearance since 1993. With more than half-a-dozen players who are capable of scoring 20-plus goals and a financially-content Jose Theodore, the Canadiens will win more than they lose, but not more than Ottawa, Tampa, Philadelphia, Boston or New Jersey, which would give the bleu blanc et rouge a sixth-place finish in the Eastern Conference and a spot in the playoffs.

Speed is to size what money is to fame. If you don’t have it, what good is it? While exciting to watch, the Canadiens are an NHL equivalent of a jump-shooting NBA team which struggles when their shots aren’t dropping, as they don’t have anyone to crash and bang inside with when the going gets tough. It’s ironic that Bob Gainey, who played himself into the Hockey Hall of Fame as a gritty two-way player who would do whatever it took to get the job done, has built the team on speed and skill that keeps getting them bounced in the second round of the playoffs and not the blood and guts that won him seven Stanley Cups as a player. Now, if the Canadiens would only stop playing that stupid U2 song after every goal, I wouldn’t have to cheer for them to get shut out anymore! But that’s another story. n

Stanley Cup: Ottawa over Vancouver, eh!

Weekend Prognosticator

NHL:
Saturday, Oct. 8
Montreal at Toronto: Montreal
Buffalo at Ottawa: Ottawa
Carolina at Islanders: Islanders

NFL:
Sunday, Oct. 9
Miami +2.5 at Buffalo: Buffalo
Tennessee +2.5 at Houston: Houston
Cincinnati +3 at Jacksonville: Jacksonville

Sports Rage with Gabriel Morency is vented weeknights at midnight on the TEAM 990 AM. Comments? sportsrage@team990.com