F I’m calling to bitch about how badly promoted the Smiff-n-Wesson show was—there were more people at the J-Live show at Blue Dog than at Metropolis! What the fuck? Good job, guys. Scott C—where were you on that one? [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling concerning Aaron Hall’s show at Dome on September 23. That was awesome—pretty short for 30 bucks, but beautiful soul and deep new tracks, very moving. And thanks to the DJ for that special “Groove Me” remix. Good to see the New Jacks again and I’m wondering where you guys all hang out because those hype moves—I haven’t seen those in a while. Can’t believe how gorgeous those GIRLS still look after 15, 20 years—it’s unbelievable, man. Hope to see a Ricky D/Tony D New Jack house party, that would be awesome. So see you guys soon. [BLEEP!]

F I’m calling because I went to the Green Day concert at Parc Jean Drapeau and I was near the front when I tripped over a NUMERIC CAMERA. I guess somebody must have lost it. So what you can do is either ring back the Rant Line™ with an e-mail address or you can contact Parc Jean Drapeau. We left them our name and they’ll hopefully put you in touch with us. If you can tell me what kind of camera it was and what were the PICTURES that were in it, then we’ll get it back to you. So there you go. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, September’s over and I’m wondering if anybody woke up Green Day because I’m sick and tired of hearing that song on the radio. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the local STREET BUM. Sitting on a corner for five hours, asking for change, is most definitely not a job. It’s called bumming! And that is why you refer to yourself as a bum! And the reason I can tell you that it’s not a job is because if it were, there would be accredited boards and schools teaching people how to do this. And believe me, buddy, if they taught some of the GREAT MINDS in business schools how to go out there and bum, you’d be out of that job, too. So I suggest to you that, instead of complaining about the rich bastards who you envision sitting on the sidewalk for five whole straight hours, maybe you should try and go sit behind a desk for 12 hours a day and grind and never fucking see anybody in your life that you love or whatever and then complain to me about being a street person. If you opt out of society, you got no one to thank but yourself. [BLEEP!]

M To the emotional homeless man, maybe if you spent some of that money that people jiggle past you with to get a fucking HAIR CUT, you wouldn’t have to be crying in a fine paper. [BLEEP!]

F One thing that pisses me off: people living on the street who own animals. That is just fucking ridiculous. Okay, I understand you need a COMPANION or a friend to live with you, but an animal is not a toy, okay? In winter, your dogs and your cats are cold. I saw someone last year with cats and dogs on Ste-Catherine street when it was about –30 and they were freezing as much as we were. They’re not robots—they feel the temperature as much as we do. Here’s my opinion: you can’t afford to pay rent and have healthy food for yourself, well, you should not be allowed to own an animal. [BLEEP!]

F Regarding the cops on horses on the mountain not having to pick up their horseshit, well, there are DIAPERS for horses now. The caleches down in the Old Port have them so maybe the city should get on that. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, there’s a guy. He’s black, African. He drives a LINCOLN NAVIGATOR and he has fucking herpes so don’t fuck him or let him eat your pussy and he’ll try because he’s a fucker. So don’t fuck him, ladies. All right? [BLEEP!]

M Why do Montrealers hate McGill students—especially those of you fucks from out of town? I’ll tell you why. Because you get DRUNK and you jump people in the fucking ghetto and you beat them. And if I ever find those two fucking fuckwits who broke my fucking cheek in August, I’m gonna fucking tear you a new one. That’s why we hate people at McGill. [BLEEP!]

F This is for the four bastards who are arguing outside of my apartment right now—it’s Friday night—about who should drive the car because they are all extremely DRUNK. So here’s my idea: why don’t you shove the fucking car up your ass? [BLEEP!]

M I’d just like to say I think everyone in Montreal who’s had their bike stolen should all get together and hide in a bush on Mount Royal and leave a bike out as BAIT for bike thieves and then run out and kick the shit out of them and leave them DEAD or paralyzed. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum