by KRISTIAN GRAVENOR

Thank god for separatist PQ leadership front-runner André Boisclair for ending our too-long delay between local cocaine scandals. Our last meaty white-line uproar goes way back to 1982, when the Expos were too busy lifting rolled up currency to their nasal cavities to adequately perform baseball tricks.

Some polls suggest that the disclosures of cocaine use have only made Boisclair more popular with the PQ faithful. Perhaps they think he never inhaled.

For those who forgot, here’s quick reminder about what the PQ tends to do. The last time they formed a government, Montreal hit the skids. Other cities had rough times in the early ’90s, but they got better midway through. The PQ’s referendum extended our local economic depression five extra years.

Bad times might be good in a way. Divisive politics, high unemployment and Brockville fleur-de-lys stompers are the elements that increase the nothing-to-lose factor, fertilizer for the separatist impulse. Misery is the peanut butter in the sandwich of sovereignist fantasy.

That’s why a temperamental, volatile, party animal Head of State must look good to a crafty chunk of the electorate. We’ve seen this movie before. Keep your index cards from last time at the ready. Big money and us ethnics will once again have a thankless rescue mission to stop impending political disaster.

Although another referendum might be worth it just so we could see the next version of the ritual speech where the leader accepts the loss. Perhaps the next speech will feature chattering at the mike for 45 minutes with a teeth-grinding ramble and anecdotes that lead nowhere.

Or it could be an amazingly depressing speech. Cokeheads are subject to depression. University of Michigan researchers sliced up the brains of dead cocaine users and found a shortage of dopamine. This one could be a real downer. Pass the cocaine.

• • •

Montreal rockers have been making our city look good around the globe. But we’ve got to monitor what they’re saying. Their words reflect on all of us.

In the past, Montreal musicians have done us proud. Andy Kim elegantly sang, “Ain’t it good, ain’t it right, that you are with me here tonight.” Gino Vanelli belted out, “When I think of all those nights in Montreal.” Episodes of the Simpsons and Futurama have featured characters analyzing lyrics from Outremont’s Men Without Hats’ “Safety Dance.”

Leonard Cohen is considered the greatest ever Montreal lyricist thanks to such famous lines as, “I ache in places where I used to play.” I don’t understand what that means. Cohen used to play at Murray Park as a kid. So he aches in Murray Park? It’s either that or he’s saying his penis aches. If so then I recommend a CLSC Q-tip down the urethra.

Nowadays, Montreal’s Arcade Fire is our biggest thing. Davie Bowie, U2 and David Byrne all tout for the band, led by a Texan who has settled here. They lobby against sleep. “Sleeping is giving in, no matter what the time is.” Their other best-known song, “Wake Up,” suggests that, “Children wake up, hold your mistake up.”

Arcade Fire seem to be human alarm clocks. What has Arcade Fire got against sleep? Do we really want to feel even guiltier for sleeping in? Ever met a Montrealer between 16 and 30 who wouldn’t wake up before 2:30 p.m. if given the chance?

• • •

If you’re a religious Jew and you refuse your partner a ghet—a religious divorce—you might have to pay up. Montrealers Jason Marcovitz and Stephanie Bruker married in 1969 and divorced in 1980. But for 15 years, Marcovitz refused to give ex-wifey a ghet. He argued that it was his religious privilege, but he eventually caved in after Bruker threatened to sue. She sued anyway for $1,350,000.

The judge awarded her $47,500.

She’s appealing.

The case was under a publication ban until last Tuesday, when Judge Allan Hilton rescinded. Snoops and busybodies can find this rather exciting tale of neglect, infidelity and greed by searching www.jugements.qc.ca.

Comments? kgravy@openface.ca