M Hello. This is Diamond Dean from Psychotic 4. You've messed up my name many a time. I'm just calling because I want to know: do people really LISTEN to Arcade Fire? Are there actual people who buy the Arcade Fire album? People can say what they want about our band, but the Arcade Fire, like, for real, do people really like that? Does that really happen in the real world? I'd like to hear responses from this. [BLEEP!]

M Holy fucking nonsensical idiotic dumb-ass motherfucker! Did you guys see that idiot MC Versus jump off the stage at the last show of the Unpop fest? If you can rock a show like that, you can rock any show ever. That's the fucking grand finale of grand finales! [BLEEP!]

M I just wanted to put my two cents worth in about the situation with Couleur Jazz. As far as I'm concerned, the quality of the music on that station reminds me of that line at the end of Robots: When music is a combination of jazz and funk, call it junk. And if you're going to play Bob Dylan tunes and some other rock and white out-of-tune jazz singers... well, you get the idea. [BLEEP!]

M Just think of all the marine life in the Gulf that's going to die when they pump all of that polluted water from New Orleans into the bay. It's full of OIL and toxins and who-the-fuck-knows-what, and there's going be massive, massive death of fish in the Gulf. SHRIMP! What's gonna happen to Bubba Gump shrimp?! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is for that guy who was saying that it was pathetic to get a ticket for jaywalking. You know, as a pedestrian, I might see that point of view, but as a driver you see people running around all over the place, like CHICKENS with their HEADS CUT OFF. Nobody crosses at intersections, nobody pays attention. Pedestrians walk through red lights and then they get in the way of drivers. You deserve your fucking ticket! [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, this rant is for Mr. Heterosexual Pride. You totally missed the point, you moron. Gay pride is about having survived suicide because the whole world told you that you weren't even human and didn't deserve to live. It's about surviving gay bashings. It's about going on in spite of injustices thrown in your face at every corner. It's about coming to adulthood with some self-esteem when everyone and everything around you tried to crush it by making fun of you. Find me a heterosexual man who's been laughed at, dehumanized, beaten and treated unfairly and you can have your fucking heterosexual parade. [BLEEP!]

M Fund-raising events. Who are the geniuses who plan these things? Fucking wonderful to be woken up on a Saturday morning by a steady procession of fat middle-aged cows singing "Hot Hot Hot" and "Yellow Submarine" on my street-fucking-corner as they raise funds for whatever thing that they're trying to help. It's absolutely ridiculous to have people marching in a residential neighbourhood at 10 fucking a.m. on a Saturday morning singing at the top of their lungs. Seriously, man, I feel like opening up my window, grabbing the BB GUN and picking off some asses in latex and some titties. Jesus fucking Christ, fundraiser organizers, wake up! If you're gonna do this in the morning on a weekend tell them to keep their mouths shut as they parade through a residential neighbourhood! [BLEEP!]

M My name is Allan and my rant is about English DRIVE-IN MOVIES that are disappearing - if not to become extinct. With the end of the Dollard Drive-in, everything has disappeared. So what are we supposed to do as English people? I want to have fun with my girlfriend and motels are much too expensive so what the hell is going to happen? I'd like to know maybe if anyone has an idea for English drive-ins around the island of Montreal. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

F I just want to say to everybody that they should really try having CYBER SEX at least once in their life. True, you might be a complete and total loser for doing it, but it feels really good. But you have to have the right person. You can't have some guy that can't SPELL or can't describe how hard his cock is. But if you can find someone who's a good writer then it's 10 times better. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M I just came from Kamasutra, where I talked this COLLEGE GIRL into going to a booth with me. And the bouncer caught us and threw me out because customers aren't supposed to do that in the booth. So I only got, like, 20 seconds with her - she got $20 for 20 seconds - but it was still great. I felt really great about taking this good-looking college girl into a booth with me. She was starting to come alive, I was sliding my hand up, was getting on her breast - that's when the bouncer got us. But, for a few seconds there, I was really LIVING. So I just wanna say thank you to her and God bless everyone, Montreal. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum