by JOHNSON CUMMINS

After two gruelling years of alternative school (it's like normal school except you can smoke pot with your photography teacher, as long as you address him by his first name), I decided that I would pursue my secondary education by dropping acid three times a week - and never became college material. I've seen movies of guys with racoon-skin coats and football-team pendants, screaming "Siss-boom-bah!" But I think I may be missing something here.

Concordia University is the site of a two-day frosh-week bash, with day one devoted to rock - Finger Eleven, the Constantines, Caféïne, Money Money, les Breastfeeders, les Georges Leningrad, Starvin' Hungry and Mission District. I decided to ask Johnny Maldoror from les Breastfeeders, and Graeme Kennedy from Money Money, what their fondest college memories might be, to find out just what I missed.

"This actually involves both myself and our guitarist/singer Luc Brien," recalls tambourine man Maldoror. "When we were in college, we were both in love with the same girl. She was the best-looking girl on campus, she was really affecting our friendship and we were eager to get over it. We decided to be men about it and figure out which one she wanted to go home with. We went to this party because we knew she would be there, but we both got really drunk because we were really nervous, so after a ton of booze we approached her.

"Luc quickly grabbed the bull by the horns, jumped on the bar and showered her with bad, drunken poetry. I realized I didn't really have a plan, so in an act of desperation I just pulled out my dick and got up on the bar and started rubbing it on people's heads. She was of course disgusted and went home with some jock guy. Since then, Luc and I have never argued over a girl - but for some reason, I end up pulling out my cock in bars at any chance I get."

"This is a true story," swears Money Money guitarist Kennedy. "I was in this Enviormental Science class and they were going to put a city dump in the outskirts of Peterborough. Our prof had set up a kind of town meeting kind of thing to discuss it. Everybody was not into having the dump, but these two girls were getting more and more incensed as everybody argued against it. I just sat in the back row just watching these halfwit arguments and loving every moment of it. The longer it went, the angrier these two girls got, and then it happened. They just stood up right in the middle of the argument and said really angrily, ‘We will not take a dump sitting down!' I have never laughed so hard while feeling so sorry for somebody."

On Mackay St. between Sherbrooke and De maisonneuve on Wednesday, Sept. 14, 5 p.m., free

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