M Hey y’all, this is Nate from the Unpop festival calling, you know, last week’s cover boy. I just wanted to say you guys are the best. Thank you so much for all the support—to all the bands, to all the promoters who put up with my half-assedness and to all the wicked folks who came out to the shows. It was such a blast. Until Sunday night, when during the second song of the Ghettonuns set, I hurled myself offstage and landed wrong, proceeding to break my FEMUR and DISLOCATE MY HIP. So I’m going to be in the hospital for a little while, but I just wanted to say that I love you all, you’re the bomb and, uh, fucking morphine’s all right. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Unpop was amazing! From Sebastian Hell, who I’ve seen 10 times this summer, with every show always different, to Uncle Daddy. As for the Ghettonuns—well, that’s rock ’n’ roll. True, Raw Madonna sucked, but Unpop was a success. So stop calling it shit, it was the best thing that happened this summer. [BLEEP!]

M What the hell’s the fucking problem? Fucking boasting about Unpop this, Unpop that, like it’s the greatest thing ever. It’s a piece of shit! The Main Hall, they wouldn’t even let my band Pelvic Thrust play. What the hell? Wasn’t it supposed to be a festival for anybody to play? We get there, we can’t even play?! What the hell’s your problem, stupid Unpop Montreal? Wasn’t it supposed to be completely inclusive? Raw Madonna was fucking amazing though. Wow. [BLEEP!]

M Message to CHOM FM here. Please, please, please stop playing the Rolling Stones. We’re fed up of hearing and seeing this old man acting like a sex symbol—which he’s not! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Rant Line™. When it was announced, a little over a year ago, that there was going to be an all-jazz radio station coming to Montreal, many people—myself included—said it’s about freakin’ time. Since then, I’ve heard Coltrane once—never heard Mingus, never heard Monk. Regularly hear some Rod Stewart followed by Sting. This is not jazz! The CRTC could be a little bit more effective, but if you ask me, there should be some kind of INDEPENDENT REVIEW BOARD that yanks the licenses of stations that capitalize and exploit a certain genre in order to attract customers. I hope other people feel the same way and, if you do, call the Rant Line™. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, just reading that Karla’s losing her job at the hardware store in Longueuil. Sweetie, Karla, don’t worry about it. Even though you’re sporting the same ESPADRILLES since your last national appearance, I can see you recording a catchy disco track and touring Canada as a gay icon. Just look at Cher and how crazy she used to be. Girl, look me up. I could be your agent. [BLEEP!]

F In response to Jazzo’s question about whether or not it’s fair for him to be put in a police car for yelling at transvestites. I can’t answer that but I think, at the very least, he should be locked up for his lack of VOCABULARY. He needs to suck a dictionary. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, Jazzo, how can I find those TRACK DOGS with 12-inch penises? Like, where are they? That sounds, yeah, very nice. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this rant goes out to the BREEDER who’s pining for a Heterosexual Pride Parade. Well, buddy, maybe your head is so far up your ass that you fail to notice that Western culture is one great big Heterosexual Pride Parade, and every day is fucking Straight White Boy Day. I’m really sorry if me and my homo friends somehow threaten your very fragile masculinity but boo hoo hoo, only 364 days a year belong to you? Poor you, my heart breaks. Why don’t you fucking suck my dick? [BLEEP!]

M Am I the only person in the city who is sick of hearing gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, hetero, homo, gay, hetero, straight, gay, homo? Who fucking cares? Eat dick, suck pussy, fuck holes in the wall, goddamnit, stick your cock in the ELECTRICAL SOCKET and do us all a favour! I’m sick of hearing homos talking about straight people. I’m sick of hearing homophobic straight people talking about fags. I’m sick of hearing about who fucks who in what fucking neighbourhood. Who gives a shit, really? Just either live with it or declare CIVIL WAR in the middle of the Gay Village and the rest of eastern Montreal. Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay—there, have we had enough yet? Straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, lesbian, gay, fuck, fuck, fuck. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I just got out of the shower and I’m wondering when private school goes back in because I take the 24 every morning and I’m starting to get PRIVATE SCHOOLBOY WITHDRAWAL. Especially this one kid who takes the 24 to go to Le College de Montreal—I know that because of the navy pants, not because I STALK him. And, yeah, he’s got really cute blonde hair and he always wears a baseball cap and… you should really call me when you’re 18. Hopefully I’ll see you on the 24 this week. Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum