Dear Sasha: My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and still seem to be going strong. But I'm interested in negotiating some kind of open relationship, and he's just not. We've been talking about it for a few months now. I don't think I can carry on too much longer having sex only with him, but I don't want to push him into something he doesn't desire, while he doesn't think he could carry on without sexual monogamy despite the knowledge that I'll become increasingly frustrated. Sex with multiple partners turns me on and exclusivity turns him on. What to do? He's reluctantly agreed to try it out, if only because there doesn't seem to be any alternative way to move forward, but that could only lead to inevitable breakup, no? I feel guilty that I might choose sex over an otherwise healthy and satisfying relationship, and fear I'll end up regretting this. » Monogamy Mismatch

Dear Mismatch,
One of our culture's ways of expressing a custom's importance is by marking it with exclusivity - this goes for everything from sexuality to clothing brands. (But just imagine, if you will, that one of the requirements of an intimate relationship was that you were not permitted to speak to anyone but your spouse). People who won't abide these rules in relationships are perceived as indiscriminate and immature, and it's my opinion that these attitudes allow you to treat your sexual disposition with less respect than you do your boyfriend's.

As you may be aware, disparate sexual appetites are a hot topic. You also know I'm an advocate of candid non-monogamy, and I've had success with it myself (not that it hasn't been a fucking bitch at times). Now, if you believe many prevalent filmic depictions, even open sexual relations will unravel a once perfect marriage faster than you can say Angelina Jolie. I'm amazed at what relationships endure: separation by war, death of children, poverty, satanic in-laws, but someone's dick goes in another mouth and it heralds The End of Trust and the beginning of an impassive and purposeless attitude towards sex in general - as if the only natural effect of having more partners is emotional dilution. Curiously, this has been the opposite of my experience.

Start respecting your desires more. You're not choosing sex over a healthy relationship. You're trying to find a different way of negotiating your commitment - something that's entirely fair. Your boyfriend is agreeing to try this, albeit reluctantly. Take him up on it, and put in the effort to maintain an honest dialogue every step of the way. He may, in fact, be surprised at how comfortable and happy he is in a more open scenario. After all, while most people are interested in sex and many seek good variety in how and with whom they have it, a committed, open relationship can be a major mental and emotional leap. If your boyfriend is indeed unhappy once you've both tried to meet your needs, then you may have to discuss alternatives. Would he, for example, be happier if he was exclusive and you were not? There are many questions we must ask ourselves. Ultimately, however, you may have to face the fact that you and he have reached an impasse, and the best you can do is be true to yourselves.

Dear Sasha: I'm thinking of the women who wrote recently who wanted to cast their vaginas ["The twat thickens," Aug. 4]. I balked at this, as well as imagined some pretty fancy speculums, until I realized, hoped anyway, that they wanted to cast their vulvas. Still, is "vagina" a legitimate catchall word for the general area? » Wordy Woman

Dear Wordy,
Noooo, but people, sex columnists included, misuse it all the time. For my part, this began as a lazy and more "scientific" option to pussy or cunt. The vulva is the proper word for the external genitalia, and I am having some serious genitalpanik (look up this art movement started by Valie Export, you'll love it) imagining seven militant feminists sitting in an emergency room waiting to have gobs of plaster extracted from their vaginas.

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