Dear Sasha: In a recent column ["Small penis problem," July 28], you said in your reply to the girlfriend of the boy with the small penis: "I also don't think there's anything wrong with e-mailing a former lover, providing you've left one another on good terms and they can be trusted to be discreet about your request, and asking them if they might share some techniques."

Really? You don't see anything wrong? Please! How would you feel if your lover were e-mailing his ex-girlfriend for sex tips so he could pass them on to you? Try to imagine this; it's horrid to think about. Granted, you specify that this behaviour is kosher if, and only if, the ex in question "can be trusted to be discreet about your request." Maybe so, but this opens up the possibility of being harmed without knowing it or feeling it - similar to a situation where your lover cheats on you, you don't find out, and there are no bad consequences for the relationship. Even if you disagree that this is harmful or undesirable for the boy with the tiny penis, you have to admit that this girl's e-mail to her ex-boyfriend is going cause trouble.

Picture this: "Hey! How's it going? I'm so glad that even though we're broken up, we can still talk about intimate stuff. Anyway, my new boyfriend has a tiny penis and is no good at oral. But you were brilliant! Any tips for him?"

She's now on a heightened plane of intimacy with her sex-god Ex, and she's hiding something from Current. Don't you think this state of affairs could be volatile? I admit that it would behoove him to learn something about pleasing his girlfriend sexually, but I don't think the poor schlep should have to be getting advice from the sexy ex. It's hard enough to have a really small penis. » Jason

Dear Jason,
Maybe it's just this little phase I'm going through, but I think it's about time we all stopped pretending we didn't have sex with anyone even remotely interesting or skilled before our present lovers, and established less awkward relationships with likeable former partners. And yes, that includes talking to them about positive sexual experiences we shared.

I don't mean to treat sexual technique as casually as say, a banana bread recipe, but do you really think she's going to divulge all the particulars of her current situation, or do you think she will approach her former lover with the same tact and caring she used in e-mailing me? Can you not have a conversation about sex with someone you've fucked without it turning into a '50s potboiler? And is this the atmosphere you imagine ensues when people communicate intimately with their former partners? Carnivalesque gloating sessions where enormous novelty measuring sticks are brought out and cackling people, lit maniacally from below, make microscopic gestures at them?

There is also a huge difference between screwing around without telling your special someone, and trying to improve your mutual sex life by seeking out tips wherever you can find them. Why should this action, designed to improve the current situation, preclude one of the most practical sources - people who have actually touched you? Why does a dear or well-left ex-lover or partner need to be cut off like a rotting branch, dismissed as though they never existed?

As for myself, if I'm in a relationship where I feel uncomfortable with my partner talking to a trusted ex on behalf of us, I know I'm in a bad spot or I'm with someone I can't trust and shouldn't be with in the first place. I would rather feel secure in my relationship not because I've attained it through despotic and juvenile manoeuvres, but because I've allowed the free exchange of information. I know this because, without fail, the security I've tried to attain by repression has always had an uneasy quality about it. People bring beneficial information into relationships that they've learned from formers all the time - film and art preferences, cooking skills and yes, sexual techniques. We should be glad of these lessons gleaned by proxy, rather than threatened by them.

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