by JOHNSON CUMMINS

Have any of you seen that reality show, Rock Star: INXS? It's a bunch of hopeful rockers vying to lead one of the most tepid bands in rock history - IN fucking XS. Wotta prize right?! Like watching a hideous car crash, my eyes are glued to the tube every week. If you haven't seen the show, you have to tune in to what could be the ultimate bottom-feeder reality show ever. Dig it: It's hosted by some hooray-for-everything ex-Hooters waitress, with the withered corpses of INXS - actually, they look more like Crescent Street barflies - acting as judges while young hopefuls "rock out" to a cover band sleepwalking through everything from Nirvana to Neil Young while a paid studio audience squeals with glee. Haven't won you over yet? Well, hold on to your fur cowboy hats 'cause the celebrity judge is none other than Dave "Rad Dude"' Navarro. As painfully dumb as people like the brothers in Good Charlotte and Fred "Would You Like Fries With That?" Durst are, Navarro's complete lack of a clue is mind-numbing, easily beating Durst (including his weird steering wheel dance) and the mascara twins hands down for the title of most irritating human being ever. He's pretty bad in his reality show with Carmen Electra, 'Til Death Do Us Part and his autobiography detailing his coked out days living in the Hollywood Hills is face-meltingly horrid but he hits new lows on Rock Star. My God man, just put on a fucking shirt already!

I love TV when it's good and hate it when it's bad but when it's utterly putrid, I can't get enough. If they were to have nothing but Body Break commercials between the segments, it would be an hour of pure bliss. Kind of weird how they've never mentioned their late singer Mike Hutchence. Hhhmmmm, could have something to do with him asphyxiating himself while pulling his pud in a closet, which has the Aussies a bit tight-lipped, but what a Rock Star, huh! Check your local listings and thank me later.

It seems that The Royal Mountain Band are taking over where Donkey Heart left off with a whirlwind tour of the Plateau this week. Their lead singer is back in town after a horrifying couple of months in the city that steals your soul, Vancouver, and they plan on working him like a 10-year-old boy in a Nike sweatshop before he goes back to the land of junkies and tree huggers. First show is on Sunday, August 21 at L'Escogriffe's now famous country night with Honey and Lies (members of Sunday Sinners and CPC Gangbangs), then at Barfly on Tuesday, August 23 with Trailer (ex-Tricky Woo, Soft Canyon), and finally with Touch at the Playhouse on Thursday, August 25.

GET WELL SOON, HIPPIE MAN HAND... jonathan.cummins@gmail.com

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