by ALICE AND YANKA

Ville-Émard, c'est l'enfer! Just far enough to forget la rue Mont-Royalement Quétaine, but still easy enough to reach without a set of wheels. Find a metro nearby, mortgage your home to pay the fare, exit at Monk et c'est là.

Every year, August brings us back to the compound of la Famille Royale d'la rue Dumas, les Lévesque. Granny Madeleine, le beau Guy-Claude, Sexay Martin, Cédric, Super Guy & Jojo, Kitty, Maïe-Pahexempe, Gaby, Papa Tchuk, assorted paramours and la Reine de Quatre Saisons elle-même all converge in the backyard, tel un essaim de nanoparticules en folie.

We often sneak in and stay up all night, rum slush in fist. The delicate sound of Sir Yougo mowing his lawn à la moissonneuse-batteuse usually means we've made it through another bender...

And are starved comme des loups en transe. Le boulevard Monk offers little solace, aside from liver-busting meals of shots and Ajax. Luckily, Maïe-Pahexempe knows her chop sueys. She whips out a map and turbo-kicks our sorry asses all the way to nearby Ville LaSalle.

Smack dans un beau parking lot se trouve le zirconia cubique de l'avenue Dollard, le Jardin Jasmine. It's a typical carcass of steel and one-way mirrors with beige entrails. Ah, pis fuck le décor. If you must absolutely know about the paintings on the walls and all that shit, write and we'll send you pictures.

We dream up a menu of macaroni with shrimps & tomato sauce, Szechwan spicy lamb and pork chops with peppered salt, mais y'a une folle dingo avec nous qui pique une crise. "Ah non, pourquoi faut toujoooours manger des choses fuckées avec vous, j'veux embarquer sur l'autoroute des classiiiiiiques." Heille, pogne pas l'flux, okay? It's 329 degrees et y'a rien comme le highway pour s'aérer, faque commande-les, tes classiques, pis fârme ta grand' trappe, okay?

The musical melancholy of the Jardin dictates take-out. Back home, c'est l'orgie totale, le food fest du siècle. Sipping #2 hot & sour soup ($2.25) is like diving into a warm sea of diluted Jell-o. No fishes, just tiny slivers of good stuff avec des algues. Miam. #9 crispy vegetable spring roll ($1.25) evaporates in Jaws's mouth in eight seconds. Verdict? "J'pense que c'est farci avec d'la farce à egg roll."

#13 croissants poêlés ($3.50) means six dumplings, full pork, full ginger. The innards are tasty, but their skin's too mushy. #22 shrimp toast ($4.50) is a miniature sesameseed- encrusted grilled-cheese. Lubrifié à l'huile bouillante, it appears to be filled with congealed shrimp mousse and shrimp chunks, but who knows? Pas nous. Pretty good and very odd.

We almost died in a vicious chopstick fight once, when a waiter in a Chinese joint categorically refused to add an extra dose of curry to our dish. "Non! Cari chinois trop amer!" he growled before lunging for the eyes. We reiterate the request with #120 Singapour-style noodles ($7), but it's still kind of mild. Sinon, c'est crissement réussi. The whole thing's bright yellow, and all the components love each other comme des malades.

Man, y'en reste encore là? Ben oui, two more to go: #68 Pekingstyle shrimps ($10.25) and #30 ginger sauce chicken ($7.80). Caked with a thick coat of flamboyant orange make-up and decked out in batter, the fiery shrimps remind us of Dolly Parton. We love 'em. Et que dire du beau poulet? It looks weird at first and second glance. Then we get it. Dip the deep-fried chicken parts into the best gingery potion ever made. Drink it straight, shower with it, trade your firstborn for it, but don't miss it. Merci Maïe!

Du beige et d'la sauce? (cheapmotel@hotmail.com)

Jardin Jasmine
ADDRESS: 1400 Dollard, LaSalle
TEL: 368-2221
CARDS: Big time
HOURS: Mon–Fri 11 a.m.–3 p.m., 4:30–10 p.m.;
Sat 4:30–11 p.m.; Sun 4:30–10 p.m.
DELIVERY: Yes, 5–10 p.m. ($10 minimum)
TAKE-OUT: Yes, with 10 per cent off the bill
STM ACCESS: Faut aimer l'aventure! Métro Angrigon +
113 bus and a bit of walking
PRICES: Excellent price-quality ratio. And everything comes in two sizes: bucket or trunk
VEGETARIAN FRIENDLY: Yes
BEST FEATURES: Le garçon de table, Louis/Luee,
and the bucket of ginger sauce.
ALCOHOL: Yes
RATING: Super good!