by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Nairi Kalanian

Age: 62

Occupation: Dentist

Bio: This vibrant Cartierville stud knew even as a 10-year-old growing up in Egypt that he would someday get into the exciting, fast-paced world of international dentistry. Arriving here in 1969 to be with his Montreal-bred fiancée, Nairi soon set up practice and has been perfecting the breath odour and inspired toothy grins of Montrealers ever since. Currently working out of the Drummond medical building with possibly the sweetest staff of white-coated broads one could ever hope to meet, Nairi says, "Most of my patients are downtown residents, pretty mobile, with IQs that are generally quite high. Which is good, because they basically understand the treatments I suggest are for their own good - even if it can be quite expensive sometimes. And it's awful, man, dentistry is quite expensive."

Is it tricky for a dentist to get a start-up loan or do bankers generally see it as a sure thing? "When I first opened my practice I was solidly booked two weeks ahead for six months; you could have borrowed any amount you wanted then. But now the competition is really intense. There are a lot - and I mean, a lot - of dentists around. There were at least five or six bankruptcies last year."

One pretty good gimmick Nairi has with new, nervous patients: He informs them they won't have to pay if they feel any pain.

The number of people who've taken him up on the offer to date: Zero. "The only reason people ever feel pain is because some dentists do things they're not properly equipped to do. If they're okay financially, they'll refer patients to a specialist, but if not, they take on these patients just to make a living - and that can result in pain for the patient."

Does he believe the practice of dentists charging a fortune for work that doesn't really need to be done is as common as some might believe? "Yes, unfortunately, this does happen. But there are people like this in every profession."

One potentially negative thing about going in to dentistry: It becomes increasingly difficult to deny how gross your lover's mouth might be. "You know, when you're very young, you get excited very easily, very fast, you just kiss a woman when you meet her and that's it. But the older you get... well, I see a lot of women, and I'm sorry to say this, but I tell you, when you see their mouths, it's... really bad. I mean, really bad. And it's not a matter of money, they wear beautiful dresses, beautiful clothes, but they don't take care of the most important thing, their mouths. And it's the same thing for men, of course."

Why local dentists never want to use laughing gas on patients no matter how hard one begs them? "Because with the techniques we have now, there's simply no need for it. "

Musical preferences: Bach, Vivaldi.

Last book read: Le Pèlerin de Compostelle by Paulo Coelho.

Words of wisdom: "Be there when they need you."

Comments? dimwit@openface.ca