by MARK SLUTSKY

I wish that Supercross had made me super cross. Or super happy, or super anything. I wish it had provided some emotional justification for the 90 minutes or so I spent in the theatre watching it. Even if the movie had made me really angry, it would have at least have been an interesting experience. But no, Supercross: The Movie is bland and just this side of competent - almost unintentionally homoerotic enough to be amusing, but not. Almost faux-radical enough to warrant comparisons to McCain Superfries commercials, but not.

As some of you may know, supercross motorcycle riding is a pretty big deal these days, with lots of money behind it (the movie is partially funded with money from scary American conglomerate Clear Channel). The result is a movie that feels like a promotional film for the sport.

As for the storyline, Supercross: The Movie stars Steve Howey and Mike Vogel as brothers KC and Trip Carlyle. The two are awesome bike riders, but one of them (KC) is totally careful and level-headed and stuff, while the other (Trip) is totally crazy and stuff! When KC gets sponsored by a big company, Trip gets mad! And then KC gets mad when he finds out he's just there to help another guy win! And there's a blonde girl for the blonde guy and a brunette girl for the brunette guy! And Robert Patrick, of T2 and The Sopranos fame, plays the blonde girl's dad! And there's a bunch of races!

Well, this is the kind of movie you get if you leave the house in August, the summer season's notorious dumping ground: blondes, brunettes, motorcycles, a mean bad guy (actually two mean guys), some jokes and not too much else. This is mass entertainment at its blandest, without swearing, nudity or truly dark or dirty deeds. And in a movie about rough-and-tumble motorcycle racers, who needs that? Not that I'm fighting for a gritty and genuine depiction of the world of motorsport, but something less resembling a TV movie would be nice.

Supercross: The Movie is now playing

>> Movie Listings