by MATHILDE RABBAT

Remember that Saturday Night Live sketch where waiters in an Italian resto yell, "Bellissima!" and practically molest Kirstie Alley? The one where Dana Carvey looks like he's going to lick her face right off? Well, they don't fawn over you quite like that at Le Maistre, thankfully. But they do make sure you're well taken care of at this French joint located in the heart of N.D.G.

"Tame" best describes the atmosphere in this old home turned eatery. Despite a fireplace mantle adorned with fake roses, they somehow manage to avoid the full-blown country-kitsch factor - though I did hear accordion music coming out of the speakers. I'll admit I developed a temporary crush on the waiter, which probably sprung up sometime after finding out that he had insisted on waiting to personally present the menu to me himself, instead of leaving it for me on the table, as I was in the ladies' while everyone else got theirs. Though I'd like to think this gallant display was reserved especially for moi, it seems they give everybody the special treatment.

From Monday to Wednesday, 30 smackers will buy you the whole nine yards on the table d'hôte, from the entrée and another appetizer to the main course and dessert, along with tea or coffee. In keeping with the tradition of French nouvelle cuisine, portions are quite conservative, but you won't go home hungry if you opt for the whole shebang.

If you're a fan of goat cheese, you'll appreciate the cold zucchini soup that is liberally spiked with it. Some would prefer a warm broth, but there's nothing like a tasty chilled soup du jour on a scorching evening. The grilled octopus starter displayed on a coiled celery root pedestal, floating over a raspberry coulis and speared by a stick of thyme, was simply scrumptious.

You've heard of duck à l'orange, but what about duck in a blueberry-rum-chutney sauce? The meat itself was fall-off-the-bone good, tender as can be, and served with a delish pale orange swirl of mashed potato and carrot, seasoned with a dash of cinnamon for dramatic effect. Vachement bon.

The same can be said for the citronella shrimp dish, which came artfully displayed under a couple of chives set up like duelling fencing swords. Touché! Were those shrimp ever good, and I loved the tangy sauce - no big surprise as I'm a fan of all things lemon.

What would a French restaurant be without fromage? If it smells rank, it must be good, right? They've got the strong stuff and some milder varieties as well, from France and from here, which your waiter will bring out on a platter for you to inspect while Alain Souchon's "Foule Sentimentale" plays in the background. Once you've made your selections ($7.50 for two cheeses), he will then dash back to the kitchen and, like magic, re-emerge with the lucky cheeses in little dishes, neatly sliced up alongside a few dried cranberries and very ornamental Royal Gala apple cuttings.

While slathering your cheesy choice onto some warm bread to cram it into an already pretty full tummy, don't forget to make room for dessert. Go for the ice cream over the more typical crème caramel and crème brûlée. Le Maistre's cappuccino coffee ($2.50) may need some work, but their icy cool treats are really worth it. While La Marquise ice cream is really more like a dark chocolate mousse served chilled, it's the homemade nougat ice version that really stole the show. Sinfully delicious.

The words "fine cuisine" are bandied about by restos so liberally these days that they've almost lost their meaning. I've noshed on cuisine so–labelled many a time that wasn't so fine. This is one place, however, that really does carry the title.

Le Maistre
ADDRESS: 5700 Monkland (Villa Maria metro, bus 103 or 162)
PHONE: 481-2109
HOURS: Every evening 5:30-9:30 p.m.,
Lunch Fri only 11:30 a.m.–2 p.m.
BEST FEATURES: Tender duck, savoury citronella shrimp, iced nougat concoction, fresh cutlery for each course of the meal, courteous staff that lets you take the time to savour your meal from start to finish.
ALCOHOL: Extensive wine list featuring various regions of France
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: No
VEGETARIAN FRIENDLY: Not really
CREDIT CARDS: Yes
NON-SMOKING SECTION: Yes
PRICE: $30-$45 per head before drinks, taxes and tip
RATING: ***1/2 out of ****