Dear Sasha: My problem has to do with the size of my new boyfriend's penis. It's about 3.5 inches when erect, and when we have sex, I honestly hardly feel anything. He was a virgin until me, and so far we haven't been too experimental with positions. I was wondering if you have any suggestions as to what might be best for me considering his size.

A second part to the question: he's inexperienced in everything. I haven't gotten off from him performing oral or using his hands. I was with a guy once who was an absolute dynamo with oral sex, and I can't really tell what he did down there, but it worked. So, I know I like oral sex, and I masturbate, so I do know what I like. I guess I just don't know how to put into words that he could make some sense out of. What kinds of guidance could I give my new guy about techniques for oral? I don't want to seem bossy or overbearing. I just really want to be able to fully enjoy sex with someone I really care about! » Girl With a Small Problem

Dear Girl,
Now, this is how we deal with issues of size and technique. We don't go out and buy pumps and pills and make unkind comments that harm people's already fragile sexual self-esteem. For you, Girl, I am removing the quasi-moratorium on penis size. Yes, there are certainly some ways to get the most bang out of a smaller penis. Try having him fuck you from behind so that he can get in every inch of you possible, and use a vibrator on your clit - a bonus track with any penis. If you're missing the feeling of being scoured inside and out, a larger dildo or a hand will do the trick (see Deborah Addington's book A Hand in the Bush for tips on fisting).

You won't get anywhere pretending you don't like variety, so experiment with as many positions and insertables as you can - including in your ass if you like. Being brave, vocal and thoughtful about your desires are the only ways to discover your sexual potential. I know it's a terrifying leap, but if you want your sex life to match your expectations, it's up to you to do something about it. There is no other activity that demands such skill and individual knowledge where we count on silence to propel the action and amateurs to act like pros.

For oral sex tips, I'd check out Nina Hartley's videos - and there are three that deal with female oral sex specifically (www.sexuality.org/movies.html). Nina's videos are both technically and erotically engaging. Watch them together. I also don't think there's anything wrong with e-mailing a former lover, providing you've left one another on good terms and they can be trusted to be discreet about your request, and asking them if they might share some techniques. Passing on nice sex compliments is good for your karma.

Dear Sasha: I'm an 18-year-old girl, and ever since coming out to my family about eight months ago, something that took quite a bit of courage, my brother-in-law does nothing but make creepy lesbian remarks and weirdly hit on me. I always thought he was a big anus-face, now I think he's a big dick-face too. Why is he doing this? Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this embarrassing and annoying situation? » My Sister Married a Jerk

Dear My,
Either your anus-faced brother-in-law has mistaken you for one of those lesbians he's seen in porno films or strip clubs - a lesbiain't - or he's just another homophobic loser under the misguided impression that dykes were put on this earth to make him feel inadequate. My guess is a little from column A and a lot from column B.

It's hard to talk to people this insecure because they impose all their feelings of impotence on everyone around them, but you're not obliged to swallow sexual harassment from a family member or anyone else. Don't let him try to pass his bullshit behaviour off as you having no sense of humour either. I think you should call the Lesbian Gay Bi Trans Youth Line at 1-800-268-9688 and talk to a peer councillor. Their Web site is full of resources too: www.youthline.ca/where.html.

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