M Yes, good day everyone. This is Killamanjaro calling. Listen, I just want to say that my brothers in Inword were rejected from playing in the Reggae Fest this year and that is a TRAVESTY. Inword is at the cutting edge of local reggae right now. They got original sound, they got original lyrics, they got solid musicianship and those brothers need to be in the Reggae Fest in 2006. Reggae Fest isn't just about bringing people from the Caribbean, recycling lyrics from 20 years ago, getting up on stage. Seen, it's gotta be about the present, so bring on Inword, big up to Inword. Everyone stay tuned, give those local brothers some respect and let's see them in 2006. Roots. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, this is for the guy who called from Crescent Street at three in the morning to complain about cops busting some drummers making music. I just want you to know that, on Crescent Street, you're only allowed to play drums if you're sponsored by A Marca Bavaria. It's a municipal bylaw. And unless you're wearing green and yellow and invest hundreds of thousands of dollars into making the entire street an advertisement for your product, you're not allowed to play drums on Crescent Street. Furthermore, the purpose of Crescent Street isn't to have fun, as you mentioned - it's to PISS and litter on the street. I know this because I work in an art gallery on Crescent Street, and the purpose of my art gallery is to function as a urinal at three in the morning. So if anyone wants to come and piss on a gallery, I'd be happy to pull a Warhol - offer a canvas, put it right down for you and let you enjoy all that Crescent Street is made out to be - which is a big piss off. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M Listen, I was just walking to work, late, and I got a ticket for JAYWALKING, which I find absolutely pathetic. Obviously, this cop was trying to make his quota, but this is like giving a fucking ticket to some kid trying to wade in a wading pool. This is Montreal! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Montreal, I'm just calling to ask what is up with our FAKE CROSSWALK signs on the ground. You know when you get to a crosswalk and the road is painted for pedestrians? In every province I've lived in, when you have a crosswalk, you wait a reasonable amount of time to make sure the car sees you and you begin to cross and then the car will stop for you. However, I've noticed that that doesn't happen here in Montreal. So I tried to do a little social experiment the other day - I tried to cross at one of these. I made eye contact with a driver who was going along St-Joseph and there was plenty of time for him to stop. But he didn't, and in fact he almost hit me. And he fucking HONKED at me! I think Montreal's a great city but this is bizarre - unless you're walking with someone you want to kill and you convince them to cross at the crosswalk. Perfect. All right. That's it. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M Newsflash. Homolka lives on the corner Monkland and Melrose in the apartment building. I live there. Trust me. If you wanna say, "Oh, this guy is lying," or "Oh, we don't know for sure," whatever. But I'm telling you right now, that's where she lives. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M I think I saw Karla Homolka at Uniprix on Beaubien, buying nail polish. The colour 273. That's it. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the girl who called in to complain about straight guys going to gay bars and hitting on girls. Girl, I totally agree with you. That pisses me off so much. But there is one thing that's worse - straight guys going to gay bars to pick up girls and then getting pissed off when guys hit on them. Like, what the fuck? Honestly. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just wanna know why when a guy says hi to a girl, every girl thinks the guy's trying to fuck her or something. Sometimes they're just trying to say hi to be nice. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F To the person who wants to get rid of the family of SKUNKS in their backyard, you should go and PEE. Mark your territory. The odour should make the family go away. Later. [BLEEP!]

M If the lady wants to get rid of the skunks, spread mothballs all over the place. Not too, too many - just enough. They won't hurt the grass, and the skunks will eventually go away. Trust me, I've tried it, it works. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, this is for the lady with the fucking skunk problem. What you need to do, lady, is invest in a PAINTBALL GUN. Then you take it to these motherfuckers and start SHOOTING them, you know? And they might run away and come back a couple of times, but you keep shooting them and they get the fucking idea, you know? They ain't never gonna come back. Man, I had the same problem, you know? And all I had to do was keep shooting at them and now I got rid of my skunks, got rid of my raccoons. You know? Fuck all those bitches. [BLEEP!]

Next week: It's time for the annual Rant Line™ construction holiday. The next edition will apppear on August 25.