F I hate the Montreal music scene. Wait, let me rephrase that. I hate Montreal music SCENESTERS and their idiotic ramblings on Montreal shows, Stille Post, whatever post.com. You are all a bunch of gossip queens and loose whores. I almost don't want to go to shows anymore for fear of standing next to one of you. I say, wipe off your lip gloss, wash the gel from your hair and listen to music, as opposed to creating hype. [BLEEP!]

M I'm one of the organizers of the Afro Funk night and I'm replying to the unhappy customer. To answer your first question, nothing really happened to the Afro Funk because, don't you see, it's still happening! And about Euphrates and Butta Beats, they did perform and it was a good show. I mean, patience is a virtue and asking the right questions to get the right answers before speaking can save you a lot of energy. So, see you at the next Afro Funk, okay? Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Listen, on the corner of Fabre and Laurier, there's this really CUTE low rider. I've seen this poor bike sit all through winter, rust away - it's still there locked up. Whoever owns this bike, if you don't pick it up in a week, I'm gonna steal it because it's just sitting there rotting away and dying. It's such a nice bike and you're not treating your bike properly - it deserves to get stolen by someone who LOVES it. So you've got a week. From this rant, you have a week. If you do not take your bike, I'm gonna cut the lock off and keep it. The bike's mine, the bike's mine.

[BLEEP!]

M For the guy who wanted to know why every punk has a dog. Well, a lot of them are punk FASHION VICTIMS and part of that's having a dog. It looks punk, you know. But the actual origin comes from being safe on the streets. You don't have people coming at you when you're sleeping, stealing your shit. And you don't get woken up by cops in the morning, kicking you in the ribs, saying "Rise and shine, get a job," that kind of shit. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is Titty Tit Face and I'm calling about people who think they're idealists and radicals. That's bullshit, man. By doing that stuff all you're doing is making right-wing crazy Republicans 10 times more powerful. Because when you've got a huge fat obese guy like Michael Moore saying, "You should do this, you should do that," all the right has to do is just be, like, "Hey man, you're too fat, you know? You're a fat bastard." So the left is like a big fat obese man when there's a slim George Bush-type person saying "Freedom, peace" and all that shit. Basically what I'm saying is, there's no point in even trying. [BLEEP!]

M This is such bullshit. I'm on Crescent Street. Three o'clock in the morning. Some dudes coming out partying, with their tam tams making music, then the cops come to bust them. That's bullshit. In Europe, you would never have that. The streets are there for people to have fun. Fuck off. I'm escaping to Italy. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F I just wanna say to the girl on the corner of Amherst and Ste-Catherine who called me a dyke last Saturday that I can help relieve your sexual tension. Obviously, you found me attractive or else you wouldn't have noticed me. I'd be willing to give your pussy a LICKING anytime. Meow, honey! And while I'm on the subject of the Village, to all the straight guys who go to gay bars to pick up women, fuck off. Lesbians don't want you and neither do the straight girls, you slimy bastards. [BLEEP!]

F I'm calling in regard to Karla Homolka being released in Montreal. Like, what were they thinking? She should still stay in jail. Me, I'm younger, like, I'm under 18, so I don't feel comfortable walking in the streets with her. In fact, I can't even go out after 10 o'clock at night now because of this THING that's walking around our streets. Karla Homolka belongs in jail, all right? Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F I'm calling because it seems to me that there's no more little stickers in bathtubs anymore so that you don't slip. They used to be in every bathtub and they're just not around anymore. I'm just wondering if it's some kind of population control to make people slip more or maybe we've all evolved to have STICKY FEET and not slip. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Can somebody please, please, please tell me how to get rid of SKUNKS in my backyard? We have a new skunk family - mama skunk, baby skunk, all kinds of skunks - and they fucking spray every night. I can't take it. They're cute - you know they have the WHITE STRIPES - but I can't take it. I was about to make supper and the fucking shit sprayed and now I feel like I'm gonna fucking vomit and die. Please help me, for the love of God, please. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum