M Hey, I paid to see Sounds of the Underground Tour at Stade Uniprix and what a perfectly named event—it was like being in a CEMENT COFFIN for eight hours. The sound was a joke. It’s great for Montreal to have all these music festivals happening all over the place, but if there’s no decent venues to put them all, what the hell’s the point? Where will it end, man? Metal up your ass, scumdogs! [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to all you grass-picking, ground-punching, HARDCORE WIMPS out there—yeah, you with the Adidas and Nikes that are laced too tight. You can all stop showing off and high five-ing each other like you’re still in grade school. If there’s a band that doesn’t throw breakdowns, get the fuck out of the pit! I went to see High on Fire at Sounds of the Underground and the aerobics team were there doing push-ups and rolling around on the ground. All you’re doing is taking attention off the band. Get a fucking life, 10-year-olds. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, my rant’s about those stupid kids from the U.S.A. who just don’t get the point of slamdancing. Even more stupid are those little local dudes who think it’s cool and do the same. Flying katas?! What the flip? Get a punching bag at Canadian T. A mosh pit shouldn’t be a spot to get killed, just a little BRUISED. Sounds of the Underground? Where’s the sound? At least the stage presence of Strapping Young Lad and GWAR was crazy, as usual. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, fucking cool weekend that just happened. The Mata Haris and Sexhead on Saturday. Anti-Nowhere League, Conflict and the Dickies at various venues. I went to see the League. Amazing fucking weekend. Apart from that, Johnson Cummins doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He writes that Bad Brains played here BACK IN THE DAY. That’s bullshit. They were supposed to play at the Church with SCUM but they never got over the border. They didn’t play Montreal until, I think, 1990 at the Rialto. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

M What’s going on? This is DJ Statik calling about Afro-Funk. The show did happen. Euphrates did play. I guess whoever called just missed the show. That’s all there is to it. And Nomadic Massive is doing a big fundraiser Wednesday, July 27 at Café Campus for our Chile tour in September. So a little plug for that, if you will. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F This is in regards to the WORST of Montreal. I’d like to point out the decline of Roy Bar. What’s up with the boy bartenders and MTV music videos? They suck. But, worst of all, is the asshole bartender. I just want a PRETTY GIRL to give me my beer, not an asshole full of ego and attitude. [BLEEP!]

F I’m responding to the guy who was asking what AVANT-GARDE means. This is an umbrella term for all the experimental art that mushroomed during the early 20th century—especially the Italian futurism and experimental music also, like, the Creationism poetry from Latin America. It’s a weird term, because really it is associated with the time between World War I and World War II—in the past. I don’t know if it applies to anything contemporary nowadays. I think it can refer to things before they become really famous or wonderful, or to having a special intuition or taste for things that are going to be really wonderful two or three years from now. Personally, I wouldn’t advise using the term avant-garde to refer to contemporary art, but I guess you could try. So that’s it. And it’s fun that somebody asks. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is to the guy and the people who think that those owls on the Plateau are Specter. Specter doesn’t paint owls, he paints GHOSTS. Get it? Specter. [BLEEP!]

M I’d just like to know how come every punk that I see on a street corner has got a DOG. Even when they’re in groups, they all have dogs. What’s with the dogs? That’s all I wanted to know. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is concerning this ongoing discussion about the tall-sized beers. Back in the ’80s, when BRADOR was the only thing you could find, everyone called these guys TALL BOYS—not Bombers or that ridiculous deuce-deuces name. Tall Boys. [BLEEP!]

F Hey there. I’m a young bisexual woman from a small town and I’ve had nothing but GOOD TIMES since I came to Montreal a year ago. Fucking right. If you don’t like the scene, throw a house party, open your own bar, or try doing something outside during the day. And to all you women-hating men—be you uptight and homosexual, macho and heterosexual, or all possible permutations thereof—I extend a gracious invitation to graze in my luscious watercress. You know, indulge in some creamy raspberry swirl. Twiddle my skittle. [BLEEP!]

M Why is it that every single fucking guy would PAY FOR SEX but no women would pay me for sex? If anyone would pay for good sex, leave me information in next week’s Rant Line™. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum