by KRISTIAN GRAVENOR

Never approach a woman with flattery if you want to get her in the sack.

Though they disagree on much, the great seduction braintrust converge on a few morsels of wisdom. The flattery embargo is one bit of advice many of the generals in the armies of seduction coming to town this weekend agree upon.

What’s billed as possibly the world’s biggest-ever seduction seminar rolls into the Chateau Champlain, with an impressive assemblage of the top luminaries of love sharing tips with those who want better results with the chicks.

Over the last five years, demand for seduction advice has exploded. To answer the need, a crop of experts has sprouted up for sweaty-palmed gentlemen terrified by the bleak prospects of relentless lonely nights and a lineage that languishes and dies in their testes like sea monkeys out of water.

The manipulators of female affection are coming on the request of a publicity-shy Montrealer named Clifford, a natty and chatty 30-something who closely guards his name and occupation. He says many of the visiting PUGs (pick-up gurus) feel indebted to him, as his seven-year-old, not-for-profit Web site, www.cliffslist.com, launched lucrative careers teaching pickup skills.

Clifford says some of today’s experts were simple observers of the seductive arts. After posting their notions on his site, suddenly they were flooded with requests for advice and counsel, translating into full-time, well-paid careers selling books and DVDs.

All for the women

Cliff asks that his last name be withheld, as he worries that some might see the seduction industry in a bad light, although the women should be thankful, he argues, that men are overcoming their inhibitions. “I am trying to help guys become more successful with women, and that is in a woman’s best interest,” he says.

And those unaware of the seductive arts are living in darkness, never knowing their true potential, he believes. As a result, they’ll end up with the women who choose them, rather than knowing the thrill of getting the girl of their choice. “They have to accept what is given to them by the women who choose them.”

Montreal women take note: you might be approached by smooth-talking and wildly persuasive gentlemen this weekend. Internet discussions hint that the rare convergence of such top titans of desire could result in a long-promised showdown between the gurus, to see whose approach sweeps the women most efficiently off their feet.

But the main reason that the leading lotharios, including David DeAngelo, David Shade and Tyler Durden, are descending here is to help guys in that all-important, terrifyingly paralyzing moment, that make-or-break juncture for the male ego, the heartstopping instant you summon up your courage and approach a strange woman.

“A lot of guys have this fantasy of how they want the encounter to go,” says Michael “Bishop” Emery, 39, a divorced father who launched his career as a seduction svengali seven years ago in Las Vegas. “They see it like a movie, where the hero is surrounded by villains. He’s out of ammo and doomed for sure, and there’s 15 guys on him, and he vanquishes them all with his will and might. They think, ‘I’m going to walk up to her and what I say is gonna get her attention and it’s going to go great.’ When it doesn’t, they get discouraged.”

Once shot down, the man’s tattered ego is the only thing getting screwed. “He’s thinking, ‘I’m a dork and I look stupid,’” says Emery. “Women can pick up on that because he’s not behaving on where he is. To him, where he is isn’t good enough, and yet women want someone who’s himself.”

NLP, can openers and Colin Farrell

Those who attend the $800 seminar (tix available via cliff@

cliffslist.com) might lay their faith in subliminal hypnosis known as neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), where would-be seducers employ “embedded commands,” using such phrases as “below me” to subliminally suggest a woman to “blow me.”

“There’s a big schism within the seduction community,” says Wayne “Juggler” Elise, who started Charisma Sciences in Ann Arbour, Michigan, four yeas ago, and now has four employees. “You’ve got some NLP guys, others like [Toronto-native seduction guru] Mystery, who use ‘can openers’—which are little stories they tell. I try the natural approach,” meaning less of a reliance on special tricks and head games.

Elise says the typical guy becomes an adherent “after a breakup or after taking a girl out on three dates, spending lots of money on her and then being told she just wants to be friends.”

It takes about three months to overcome bad habits, according to Elise. “The most common mistake is trying to be too safe, too conservative, caring too much about your success,” he says. “Guys get too careful as each girl means too much to him.” Elise also advises against button-downs and loafers. “I tell guys to dress a little crazier. Women see that and it lets them be crazy too, and express that part of themselves.”

As in life, the searing pain of ego injury is a challenge. “Never take rejection personally,” says Elise. “She’s not reacting to your real person. She’s reacting to her experience of being approached by every guy in the last 10 years.”

And if all else fails: “Pretend you’re Colin Farrell. He’s so himself, he doesn’t care about how people perceive him.”

Sex and status

Complimenting a woman is rarely advised by the pros. “You want to be able to deal with the woman as equals,” says local psychologist and seduction savant Amir George “Doc” Sabonguim, 36. “If she sees you as being beneath her, then you have to either raise yourself or lower her. If she’s the hottest girl in the club and knows it, she’ll see you as a homeless guy walking to her. You have to equal the social status.”

Sabonguim argues that perfecting one’s ability to win a woman’s heart is anything but a debauched goal. “The number one thing that predicts satisfaction in life is being able to find the right person. If you don’t have the skills to meet somebody, you’ll end up making a bad choice.”

Another local set to impart his knowledge to the world is Stéphane Hemon, 30, who teaches “unconditional love and deflecting negative energy.” Hemon will also offer such practical advice on “how to deal with ass bandits, which is a guy who tries to steal your piece of ass.”

His expertise also includes teaching women how to have “squirting orgasms. It’s not about, ‘Can I please stick my fingers in you?’ What we teach is good, sound, medical advice and massage techniques.”

San Diego’s Steve Piccus, who bills himself as “the bad boy of hypnosis,” promises the inner secrets of meaningful romance as well as the usual tips on sprucing up your sex life. “Look, anybody can get laid,” he says. “All you do is go up to talk to women and they’ll lay you. I don’t care about that stuff. If you want to take it up a notch and talk from the heart, your world will change and theirs as well. That’s when you make the connection that rocks your world and leads to amazing sex.”

Piccus suggests that the road to becoming a chick magnate lies deep within. “Clean up on the inside, they call that ‘inner game.’ Then, instead of being all raggy and trying to control you with her crotch, your woman will become snugly and sensuous.”