Forget the tales of torture from the U.S. lockdown at Guantanamo Bay. Kansas Republican Senator Pat Roberts says he spent a weekend at the camp Amnesty International called the “gulag of our times” and things couldn’t be dandier.

Speaking with the purveyors of truth at Fox News, Roberts said he’d witnessed firsthand summer camp-like good times as detainees frolicked outside and feasted on “a Muslim menu” of 113 dishes.

“I saw them playing soccer,” Roberts insisted. “I saw them playing ping-pong. I saw them playing, what was that other one? I think it was volleyball.” Further, he lauded prisoner health care as being “better… than many of our small communities in Kansas.”

Explaining he prefers the word “terrorists” to describe the untried, uncharged detainees, Roberts said it would be “hard for me to imagine how much better these terrorists could have it.”

Of course, it’s not all pals for life. While the captors have shown nothing but Christian kindness, detainees, Roberts alleges, when not busy with friendly sport, have been “throwing excrement at them and everything else.”

» Scott Saxon