by JOHNSON CUMMINS

Was the Canadian version of Live 8, held in the musical Mecca of Barrie, Ontario last weekend, the ultimate in mediocrity or what? In case you missed it, here was a portion of the limp lineup: Bruce Cockburn, Tom Cochrane, Simple Plan, Randy Bachman, Bryan Adams and Barenaked Ladies. My God, man! What Can-con Nazi bastard dreamt this nightmare up? At least the true north strong and free showed an iota of taste when they booed the beamed-in satellite performance by Celine Dion. But hell, everyone other than secretaries, soccer moms, insurance salesmen, and apparently Dan Aykroyd, hates her, so no big whoop there.

Okay, the music sucked, but “let’s not forget why we’re here,” right? This Canadian musical massacre of course was held on the eve of the G8 powers meeting in Scotland and will hopefully pressure them into increasing foreign aid to poverty-ravaged Africa. Here at home, that would translate to upping the percentage of our GDP reserved for foreign aid to .7 per cent and hence—well, hopefully—tripling the $3-billion we are currently contributing. I am sure many of you realize the magnitude of Africa’s dire need for immediate aid, as well as their need to alleviate the massive weight of mounting debt, and agree that we should do everything we can.

Unfortunately, when the CTV cameras scanned the mass of 35,000 “buddies” with can coolers in hand and plump temp workers perched on their shoulders, fruggin’ to the dynamite sounds of Bryan Adams, you couldn’t help but think the message might’ve sailed over the white Beaver Canoe baseball caps of some people. Check out what Marty Gradwell from Whitless—erm, Whitby, Ontario told a Canadian Press reporter when asked why he was there fighting the good fight: “To rock out and enjoy the start of a great summer.”

Maybe Gradwell was too mesmerized by Randy Bachman’s utterly heartstopping rendition of “Taking Care of Business” to notice the giant images of starving children on massive screens behind and beside the stage, but check out his utter “buddy-ism” when he was asked what newfound awareness he was taking home with him after the event: “It’s for AIDS in Afghanistan, isn’t it?”

I mean, what the hell were Live 8 organizers thinking when they think-tanked up this pearl? “We need Canadians to rise, organize and mobilize against this horrendous crisis and pressure government into increasing annual foreign aid to the tune of almost $9-billion. It sure won’t be an easy task. Hmmm—I know! Get me that Canadian version of Ryan Seacrest (aka Ben Mulroney, CTV Live 8 host), the Canadian version of Pauly Shore (aka Tom Green, Live 8 event host) and that piss-poor Canadian version of Good Charlotte (aka Simple Plan, sponges of babysitting money) on the phone. We’ll have this crisis sewn up lickety split!”

I wasn’t expecting Crass or Noam Chomsky, but come-the-fuck-on. With such a miserable Can-con line-up, I guess it’s no wonder 35,000 Marty Gradwells showed up for “AIDS in Afghanistan.”

CAN-CON MUST DIE! jonathan.cummins@gmail.com

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