M I would like to give two thumbs up to the bouncer at Foufounes Électriques, because I PUKED all over his t-shirt Saturday night and nobody kicked my ass. And, well, that’s something special. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve discovered—well, I didn’t discover it, because it’s been there a while—another great radio channel in Montreal. I think it’s equal to, or maybe a bit better than Couleur Jazz, because they’ve got better variety. It’s 100.7. 100.7. Check it out. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling about the so-called Afro-funk night that took place at Divan Orange. I have questions for the organizers of that event. What exactly happened to the Afro-funk? What happened to Euphrates? The whole night was just DJs spinning records—good ones, I’ll give you that—but my friends and I paid five bucks expecting to see a show just like it said on the flyer. We sat for nearly three hours, waiting for something to happen and we left extremely disappointed. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seemed like they didn’t get a good turnout until pretty late that night and decided not to perform, which is not excusable. Whether it’s in front of two people or 200, when you’re supposed to play, you have to play, man. Anyway, I’d like an explanation. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the gay man bitching about lesbians in gay bars. That kind of intolerance reminds me of a lot of gay bashers in the heterosexual community. It’s old-fashioned and it’s unbelievable that someone who understands PERSECUTION would choose to persecute another group. I think if your group wants respect—and I believe that the homosexual male community deserves respect—you have to respect others. You’re just setting a precedent to sling mud. [BLEEP!]

M About the whole gay bar controversy going on right now—I’m going to ask you a stupid question, so bear with me here. Why wouldn’t a lesbian go to a STRAIGHT BAR? True, you have a pretty good chance of being hit on by some guy, but there’s pretty much no chance of you being asked to get the hell out. Also, straight guys like lesbians. I myself love lesbians! I would love to have a carpet-licker next to me instead of a fucking cocksucker. I love lesbians, I love their company. They’re straightforward girls, they don’t play games like straight girls. So, if truth be told, come to straight bars—you’ll be welcome. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F It’s about a quarter to seven in the morning and there’s construction outside of my house. [sound of JACK-HAMMERING] Isn’t this kind of thing illegal? Because it should be. [more jack-hammering]. [BLEEP!]

F Hello. I called this morning about construction. [loud TRUCK noises] Now it’s, three o’clock in the middle of the night. Can anyone tell me why they’re picking up my garbage now?! It’s so loud. Who makes the rules in this city? Do they think I just don’t sleep?! [BLEEP!]

M Yo, I was watching this Snap, Crackle, Pop commercial and there’s this one scene where there’s this little black kid and the little Pop dude takes the doll from him. For me, I’m a black man, and it just seems WRONG. It just seems so wrong. I don’t know if anybody else feels this. If you’ve seen this commercial, maybe you can hear me. Anyway, yo, big up, Northern Lights, they just got their CD out. Hold it down. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F I’d like to rant on people around Montreal who are wearing those STUPID BLAZERS—especially the guy at Pistol with the glasses who always wears the fucking blazer with the bow on it—I think his name’s Andre. Yeah, I think he needs to get a life. Okay, bye. [BLEEP!]

M This isn’t really a rant but it is very important information. The intermediate sized beer bottles are not called deuce-deuces—although that isn’t a bad name—the real thing that they’re called is BOMBERS. Bombers. This should enter general usage. A note to all. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who was wondering about the graffiti owls in the Plateau. That was actually Peter Gibson, a/k/a Roadsworth. Not Spectre, not Kops. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the ZOMBIES. It’s not fair, man. This world needs the right movies to be done and what they do is they put movies like Romero against fucking Spielberg and fucking Batman. What the fuck? Zombies got the sun stroke, man. You gotta represent. The movie was not bad for what it was. I know it wanted to be deeper and fucking gorier but you can’t get it all the time like that. It’s not right that it’s gotta go up against these other movies. And all you Dead fucking zombie fans, you guys could have proved yourselves more if you went, instead of letting it end up in fifth place. That sucks. But, anyway, yo, zombies are gonna come back. HBO’s picked that shit up, The Walking Dead, because it’s zombie time! Chill, the zombies, man, represent! Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum