M I just saw the Besnard Lakes tonight and I thought, wow, there are at least six people in this city who are happy that Pink Floyd is making shows again - what's up with that? [BLEEP!]

M It's a rant to say, hey, man, the Sleater-Kinney show rocked! They were at bar la Tulipe on Papineau and it was a kick-ass performance. The opening act wasn't available due to some sort of problem - it happens - so they did a KARAOKE thing. They picked names out of we don't know where and they had people on stage, man, singing. People had lyrics to sing by so it was great. Excellent show! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, T-shirts are cool and all but can people please stop naming their band with WOLVES and PONIES because it's getting a little confusing. [BLEEP!]

M Hey y'all, hey Montreal. I ain't gonna bother giving my name because it ain't really important. What's really important is I'm a visitor from down south - Chattanooga, Tennessee, to be exact - and I notice in your little magazine that, for some real fucked-up reason, y'all think only gays wear cowboy hats and cowboy boots and wear what you call BUTTLESS CHAPS. Now, I'm here to educate you all on a little bit of Western culture. First off, there's no such thing as buttless chaps. Chaps never had a butt to begin with and they never will. They are crafted for the sole reason of protecting your legs while you're riding a horse through thick underbrush. You don't need to protect your ass because, if you're riding a horse properly, you're sitting on it. It's always protected. Second of all, you think that only gays wear cowboy boots. Well, no. The cowboy boot is a Western staple - it's been in style and always will be in style but it has been in style for over 200 years and shows absolutely no sign of letting up. Now, I dare anyone - and I do mean anyone - to walk into any country bar anywhere in North America or, in fact, the whole world and say in a loud, proclaiming voice, "Only gays wear cowboy boots, cowboy hats and chaps." Now you're gonna either leave there with one or two things. You're gonna leave there with a whole new respect for the Western culture and the people who live it, or you're gonna leave there with a real interesting DENTAL REARRANGEMENT. Now I've made my rant and I hope I've made myself clear, because when it comes to Western culture, y'all don't know shit. Y'all make me puke and let's just say on behalf of the Western people who love the Western culture and who live by it, the less people like y'all in it, the happier we are. On behalf of everyone from the Western culture, I thank you. Take care. Have a good one. God bless. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. My girlfriend and I went to the Black Eagle on a Saturday night and I wanted to say thank you to all the guys there who were so polite and so welcoming and so friendly. We really appreciated it, we had a great time and we're definitely coming back. Thanks a lot. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what's up? On June 21, it was International Skate Day and about 200 kids met at Berri Square to skate the streets of Montreal and protest, to make a statement that skateboarding is about having a good time and also that Montreal desperately needs a cement outdoor park that's safe. Skateboarding has always been a positive thing in most kids' lives and I don't see why Montreal can't have a skate park. I would like to ask the city of Montreal why. Every other city, including Toronto, Vancouver, Calgary, all the cities in California, New York City has an outdoor skate park. Even Halifax, which is one of the poorest places in Canada. There's no excuse for this shit. We get busted up all the time, they're closing down Peace Park, we can't even skate at McGill University because the security guards kick us out and they said they're gonna fine us. It takes more. Montreal is behind. We need to do something about that. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, the other day I was walking down the street and I saw one of those 25-year-old street punks and he was sitting there with his cardboard sign that said, "Homeless, desperate, hungry and broke." Uh, buddy, you forgot lazy. [BLEEP!]

F This isn't really a rant but it is IMPORTANT information. I'm calling to talk about beer bottles - and not just any beer bottles, but the intermediate sized ones, you know, between a small beer and a 40? The ones that hold all those lovely Quebec beers and Stella and Corona. Anyway, they're called DEUCE-DEUCES because they contain 22-ounces. The term was coined by my drunken friend, Joshua, apparently ripped off from some gun culture and I think it should enter general usage. Because, um, well, 40s are too big to drink alone on a weekend but deuce-deuces are just perfect. [BLEEP!]

M I'm just curious to know if anybody in the city is into TOOTHING. Just curious. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum