Problem? There's a woman in Windsor who I've become fairly close to. We see each other a few times a year and have lots of fun and great sex. I know my girlfriend is a little jealous or nervous of our closeness, but she hasn't had to meet or deal with this woman at all because she's not here. She will be coming to our city for Pride though, and I'd really like to see her. Is this bad of me? My girlfriend and I have never made any "rules" about not sleeping with people when they're in town or sleeping with people here, but I don't want to hurt her, and I think this might. What do I do? How do I talk to her? Do I not see this woman at all for fear of causing waves in the relationship, or do I do what I want? Maybe this will actually help push us to the next stage in our open relationship. What do you think? » Have the Cake and Eat it Too
Dear Cake,
I'm saying this as someone who doesn't usually get worked into a huge foam over Pride (but who has a manicure, pedicure and a hair appointment booked in anticipation): you have to take into account heightened emotions around this time of year. It's also reasonable for queer non-monogamists to expect Pride will include lots of quality time with their primary partner, so you'd better start the dialogue - stat. You need to book some talk time (I know, I know, like that ever works: "I need to talk, can we set a couple of hours aside tonight?" "NO, TELL ME NOW"), so be prepared to give her some details to chew on. Mention Windsor is coming in, that you've been considering seeing her and you wanted to review this in more detail, since you've never actually discussed out of town guests. Be calm, even if she gets petty and reactionary - yes, even if she makes malicious but clever remarks about your taste in women outside of her.
Do you introduce the two? It seems unwise, for now anyway. I would leave it up to your girlfriend, but also suggest that it may be best to do it at a time when there aren't parades, pussies and beer tents every three feet for a square mile. I guess one thing people really struggle with is how to make it clear that someone isn't a threat to "The Relationship." Increasingly, in my adventures in non-monogamy anyway, it seems it's more a question of being able to live with that possibility. Without a doubt it's hard working out new things with inefficient models - it's extra hard when emotions are running high.
What I would do is make sure that some big, lesbionic occasions are marked with your girlfriend, and perhaps spend an allotted period of time with your lover on an afternoon. And remember, if you're going to do those drugs that make you forget where your head and pants are for 12 hours, maybe it's not such a good idea to do them with Windsor - unless you want your girlfriend reeling around by herself full of bitch pop and panic.
Speaking of Pride, I'm so proud of Montreal for moving the parade, an event which in many cities has become a corporate float festival attended in large part by closeted suburbanites with their digital cameras and other rubberneckers, to a Monday night (July 25, to be exact. See www.diverscite.org for details). "In recent years, it's turned into an event for people to gawk at," says Divers/Cité organizer Chris DiRaddo, "so we're looking for more content and participation from the community, instead of putting on a show." A radical move, and they're doing this even as they're dealing with dire financial issues. Bravo!
