M Yeah, to the person who was ranting about the real Montreal music legends like Me, Mom and Morgentaler, Bootsauce, Andy Kay and Luba. Fuck, man, what about Frank Fucking Marino?! That is the one, the only, true Montreal music legend! Assholes! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, everyone in the Montreal music scene is ELITIST and I think they all should just go die. If you don't believe me, go on their montrealshows.com message board on Stille Post. [BLEEP!]

M Maybe some of the Mirror's more UPPER-CRUST readers might be able to answer me a question. How does one consider oneself to be AVANT-GARDE? By which logic is this title bestowed upon one - either by oneself or by anybody else? When someone says they're seeking avant-garde people, does that just mean that they're looking for pretentious people, or is this nomenclature something I don't quite entirely understand? If someone could get back to me on avant-gardism, I'd like to know. [BLEEP!]

M I'm calling about [names quasi-legal local club] because I got pneumonia and couldn't work for two weeks after an especially smoky, sweat-boxy party there. And now a friend of mine's got strep throat after going to an event there. I'm just wondering why that place isn't shut down. I really appreciate the events there for the music, but I just wish the owners, the people who run it, would maybe respect their clientele a little more by making the place safe and AIRING it out. If you're running an afterhours you have a responsibility to make sure that you're not putting people in danger. I also wonder if the reason the police don't shut it down is because they secretly wish that all of the underground party kids would get sick and die or get caught in a fire and unfortunately all get TRAMPLED to death in a booze can while trying to dance in a scene of nicotine and bad body odour. That would suck. [BLEEP!]

M For the girl who was wondering about the graffiti OWLS in the Plateau. That is none other than your man Spectre from KOPS, a gifted and credited artist of this city. I'm sure he expresses his greatest thanks to all those who pay any attention to anything he does. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

F For the person who was wondering what happened to all those bands from Montreal like Me, Mom and Morgentaler. Personally, I don't really know what happened to them, but my sister's boyfriend was in that band and I can ask him if you want - he's a real nice guy. Oh, and one more thing about all that shit about LESBOS going to gay bars. Lesbos can go wherever the fuck they want! That guy made me so angry I want to shove my tits so far down his throat, they'd be dangling out next to his nuts. [BLEEP!]

F This is in response to the gay man who was complaining about the lesbians in the Village. I totally agree that the Black Eagle is probably not the kind of place where you want or expect to find lesbians, but I have to say that I found it was a disgusting attitude with which he expressed himself. Lesbians have just as much of a right to be in the Village as the gay men do and I'm really tired of being ostracized when I do go to the Village, firstly by the lesbians because I have LONG HAIR and then, once again, by the gay men because I'm a fucking dyke. I'm sorry if titties make you sick to your stomach, but don't make it sound like it's such a bad thing, honey - you've probably lost your gag reflex anyway, right? So to all the princess faggots out there, we have just as much of a place in the Village as you do and, by the way, Sisters is gone and so is Magnolia's. So officially the lesbians have nowhere to go in the Village right now. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M I read last week's Rant Line™ and I was left asking myself are there any HETEROSEXUALS left in Montreal? Are there? Anywhere? [BLEEP!]

M This is for the girl asking about the rules for the Village and who to show up with and who's allowed in the bars and whatever. And the rule is - there are NO RULES. Anybody can go anywhere. There can be fags everywhere and everybody everywhere and it doesn't really matter. Just show up with everybody and have fun. [BLEEP!]

F I'm calling for Bob in regards to the question of girls with no hair down there. I'm sure if you tell her that it bothers you, some girls might actually appreciate it, because it's a pain in the ass to always SHAVE down there. So just tell her in a nice way and see what she says. If you get a slap in the face, sorry. [BLEEP!]

F I just wanna say that I agree that hairless testicles are the best. Big or small, ONE or two - they're really great. So, boys, keep 'em shaved. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum